It's Christmas Eve

It has been quite a while since I've written anything. Sorry. Apparently it is much easier to keep this thing current when I have nothing to write about. Lately, so much has been happening that by the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is sit on my computer and think! Since today is Christmas Eve and I successful slept in this morning, I figure now would be the perfect time to recap the last two weeks.
I successfully completed my student teaching at NAU and all the required portfolios and assignments that went a long with that. I moved everything I own from Flagstaff to Seattle. I like to say, "everything I own" because I think it sounds impressive. But actually everything I own fit easily into a 4x8 uhaul trailor. Getting the trailor turned out to be the biggest challenge of the whole moving experience. No one seems to be moving to Flagstaff so they didn't have a trailor for me (even though I made my reservation over a week in advance!). I ended up having to drive to Sedona to pick up my trailor. And the uhaul guy wasn't there for an hour and a half so we (Leanna and I) had to wait. When I finally got the trailor to my house my roommate had to back it down our long driveway. Unfortunantly we had gotten a ton of snow, so this was not an easy endeavour. Once everything was loaded in the trailor and my bed was strapped into the back of my truck I was able to hit the road. The ride down was uneventful other then that I had to drive about 20mph slower then I would have without the trailor.

The next few days were spent seeing all my Tucson friends and organizing all my belongings. I was so busy packing, running around meeting with people, and getting everything done that I needed to get done that I didn't sleep very much for about four days. I think I ate two real meals over a period of 3 days. It was very bizarre.

Sophia and I arrived in Seattle last Sunday, no problem. Since then I have had two days of work at my mom's office, driven to Eastern Washington and back, seen several of my old friends, visited my high school, and had two fun nights out with my sister.

Yesterday was probably the most intersting day here yet. I got only about 6 hours of sleep (as oppossed to my usual 8) then went to Mars Hill church. It is a pretty cool church. After Sophia, JP, and I went and saw the new house our Dad bought and had dinner with him and some family friends. After dinner we (Sophia, JP, and I) took care of one last Christmas gift before heading to the U District to find our drunk cousin. They (cousin, her boyfriend, and his sisters) had gone to the Seahawks game earlier that day and even though it was already 6pm they were still drinking at a quick pace. We played darts and pool and goofed around. It was a lot of fun. Then a friend of mine from high school came too. We all had a pretty good time, I think. My cousin reached her max and everyone pretty much went there own ways. JP and Sophia are on better terms now and I got to catch up with my friend. All in all it was a good night. Since I'll be moving soon, that is the last time the three of us (Sophia, JP, and I) are going to get to go out and have fun like that together. It's sort of depressing when you think about it.

Now I am enjoying sitting in my living room watching my family run around and finish up their Christmas stuff. I need to get moving though. I need to buy a couple cards still and wrap a gift or two. Tonight I am having dinner with my family at 6pm. Then I have to visit my dad at his friends'. JP's flight leaves bright and early tomorrow morning so we are going to have to break tradition. Usually we open all our presents on Christmas morning. But this year we have to do it on Christmas Eve. The Eve vs. Christmas Day debate has been a heated one in my family for as long as I can remember. Which is the right day to open gifts on? My vote is for Christmas Day. But sometimes exceptions need to be mad. Tonight we are all going to the midnight service at church. It is one of my favorite services of the year and I love the tradition of it.

But now I think that it is time I get ready for the day. I will try to keep current. Especially since I am moving to Spain in exactly three weeks.

Quick thought though... why is it that I always make connections with people right before I leave?! It is a really annoying habit. In Flagstaff I was in school for 3.5 years with a friend and it wasn't until our last semester together that we finally started hanging out. And now here in Seattle, I've started to talk to an old friend, but I am leaving in three weeks. What is that about? I think it could be some sort of subconcious notion that it's safer to be friends with people if you have an out (like moving). I don't know what that stems from or how to stop it. I need to though. What I should do is be more receptive to the idea of spending time with and/or talking to that person more BEFORE I'm about to leave. It's frustrating.

Snow Days

Instead of substitute teaching yesterday and today I have been watching the snow fall. And it has snowed a ton. This has been the biggest snow storm in Flagstaff I have seen since my first winter here. I wish I were teaching, but I have enjoyed the break. I have packed some, though I have so much more to do! Today I updated my resume and worked on my portfolio.

Tomorrow, I meet with my university professors to turn in my portfolio and get all cleared. It will be nice to be done with it all.

I really hope the snow lets up. It is supposed to stop by 6pm tonight. I am supposed to drive to Tucson on Thursday with a uhaul trailor behind my truck but if the roads are bad, I'll have to wait. I don't want to wait. I want my adventure to start!

I bit the bullet and bought my ticket last week. I'm officially going to Spain. I'm pretty sure I won't see much snow while I'm there (besides when we go to the mountain villa) so I'm glad I got to see it here.

I really should get back to my portfolio and packing. Erg. Packing. I've done it SO many times you would think I would a speedy pro by now. But this time it's different. What will I want/need in Spain? What will I want to leave in Seattle before I go? What do I want to keep in Tucson? What do I want to get rid of all together? Grr.

Jitters

I've got major jitters right now. As I type, I am waiting for the airline rep to call me back so I can confirm my flight. I am flying to Spain! I am really doing it. I bought (with a voucher) my first ticket, from Seattle to Chicago already. Now I am waiting to buy the one from Chicago to Madrid. I really can't believe I'm doing this. I'm moving to Spain. I am so excited!

So here is the plan.
-Complete last day of student teaching tomorrow.
-Substitute teach Mon, Tues, Wed.
-Meet with university supervisor to get my student teaching work all checked off Wed.
-Pick up U-Haul and move all my things to Tucson Thurs.
-Fly to Seattle Sun.
-Dentist and pick up brother from airport Mon.
-Work Tues, Wed.
-Go to E. Washington Thurs, Fri.
-Work through Jan. 4th.
-Fly to Chicago on Jan. 14th.
-Land in Madrid on Jan. 15th.

Woohoo! I'm moving to Spain! I don't even have words right now. I am so overwhelmed with it all. It is so awesome. I have wanted to travel for so long and now after all these years, here it is! I am really doing it.

Get Ready, Get Set

Are you ready to hear my plan? Good because I can't wait to tell you! I am so excited, I will tell anyone and everyone who will listen! Ok, hear it goes.

Today is Sunday December 2, 2007. I will be completing my last week of student teaching starting tomorrow. On Friday I will be all done with student teaching! This is both exciting and saddening. Student teaching has been such an amazing experiance. I have learned so much about myself as a teacher and about students. I know now that I LOVE teaching. I love it! I can't wait to have my very own school and students. I am confidant that I will make a good teacher one day... But for now... I have other things to do.

On Monday December 10th, 11th, and 12th I am going to be a Substitute Teacher. That's right boys and girls, I'm going to get paid to teach! No more being a volunteer. Actually, that isn't accurate. For the past 16 weeks I haven't been a volunteer, I had to pay to be a teacher. Crazy student teaching. But no more. I will get valuable teaching experience as a substitute to put on my resume.

Then on the 12th I have my final meeting with my supervisor. After she looks over my notebook and sees that I have everything in order I will be signed off and good to go. She will submit my paperwork and I will get my diploma and teaching certificate. Not right that day... but soon enough.

Then on the 13th I am going to load up everything I own and move it all down to Tucson. I am going to give it all to my brother. And by give I mean leave at his house rather then pay storage fees. =)

On Sunday December 16th, after moving all my worldly possessions and visiting as many friends and family as I can, my sister and I will board a plane bound for Seattle. My brother will join us on Monday. My mom bought us all plane tickets so that we could spend Christmas with her in Seattle.

I may or may not work at my mom's office for a few weeks. If I don't I will find some other work to do. Someday I'll learn how to take a vacation... but I don't think now is the time.

Early in January (I haven't picked a day yet, but sometime between the 5th and the 20th) I will be flying to Madrid, Spain. I am going to live in Spain for at LEAST seven months!!! I am going to be an au pair for an awesome family. They are a mom, dad, 12 year old son, and 10 year old triplets (two girls and one boy). I am going to live with them, help them with homework, hang out with them, and speak to them in English. I am also going to have time to take Spanish courses and travel. I am so excited!

After my seven months are up, I have no clue what I will do. It will be any number of things. I could stay in Spain longer and continue to be an au pair, move back to the states and become a teacher, or whatever else. I am not worrying about that right now though. Right now I am focusing on the 100's of things I need to get and do before I MOVE TO SPAIN!

Been a while...

I just realized it's been a while since I've posted anything. I don't feel like being very elaborate right now, but I'll do a quick run through.
Thanksgiving was good. I spent time with my family and friends.
Teaching is going awesome. I only have one week left, then I am officially done with my undergraduate studies.
As for after college... that is a bit more fuzzy. I have been praying a ton about it all. I have been talking with yet another family from Spain, and am feeling pretty good about them. Their references checked out and they seem nice. I think it will be a great opportunity. I emailed them today and said that I would like to be their au pair if they would like to have me. I am hoping to hear back tomorrow, even if it is just to ask my more questions.
In 17 days I will be back in Seattle. In 13 days I will be moving everything here in Flagstaff down to Tucson to store.
The semester is wrapping up quick. We will see how things go. All in all, I'm good. I'm happy. I'm excited for the future.
I'll be more chatty soon.

Short Week

I only have to teach two days this week. Sweet! After tomorrow I only have ten days of student teaching to go. Then I will get my teaching certificate and my diploma. I'm pretty excited to be done.

I have absolutely no idea what I will be doing in 2008. I do know that I am going to Seattle for Christmas and maybe a bit longer, but after that I don't know. I don't think I'm going to be an au pair abroad. And that's ok. God's plans are bigger then my own. I just wish He would clue me in rather then leave me in suspense.

Things in Flagstaff have been going very well. I'm pretty happy here for the most part. Now that I have a routine that I like, things are good. It is going to start getting cold though. Maybe I will just stay and work in Seattle until it warms up here. That's not a bad idea. But, we'll have to wait and see.

I've changed my plans so many times now that I don't know if I should even bother sharing my ideas any more. Every time people get excited about what I'm doing (including myself) then I go and change it all up. Since I don't know what I (or God) wants, I think I'll just keep the planning stages on the DL. Not because they are special but I just want to be able to tell everyone what is really happening. Not just what might possibly happen if I don't change my mind. However, I reserve the right to keep changing my mind on here.

This past summer I was checking out the Peace Corps. It sounds like it would be an amazing adventure, but it wasn't for me. The recruiter I talked to said he brought a bunch of baseball supplies with him and taught the kids to play baseball. I thought that sounded awesome! Well XA did a mission this past summer where they went to Kyrgyzstan and formed a little league baseball team. They also were able to share the Gospel to the kids. I've been thinking and praying about whether I should go. It would be pretty cool to teach baseball to a bunch of little Russian speaking Muslum kids. Who knows, maybe my team would even win the championship. I'll keep praying on that one.

It is time for me to go teach now. Only two days this week. For Thanksgiving I am going to Tucson to hang out with my brother, sister, and Dad. We are cooking Thai food. We aren't very tradiational but it should be tastey. I better look up recipes! I'm hoping to get a hike in this weekend too. Maybe some of my old friends will want to go to Sabino Canyon one night. That's always fun. If not, I'll just slap on some sunscreen and go for a walk. Hasta luego.

Mark 12:30

I had my bible study this evening. It has been a real challenge lately. Everything has, church, XA, bible study. I've been struggling to let go of it all and put it in God's capable hands.

Mark 12:30 says, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." This is a challenge! I have been trying so hard to plan for my future that I'm not sure I know how to turn it over to God and let him have my future. I've been thinking JVC, au pair, teaching, grad school... I've been thinking so many things trying to find the one that fits that I have been stressing myself out! What I should do and am going to work on doing is handing it over to God. His plans are SSOO much better then my own that if I just let Him do His thing I will be so much better off then with my own plans. But I like planning, I like knowing now, I like feeling independant, and I need to work on that. Because even though I am busting my butt to figure out what to do with my life, I still have no idea what to do. I'm not planning. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going around and around in circles trying to find the scenario that fits the best. What I really need to do is stop. Stop wasting my time. Stop questioning God. And stop worrying. God knows what I need. He knows the desires of my heart. He is amazing and I need to trust in Him to put me on the right path.

Through the Holy Spirit I can achieve God's will. I have some serious praying to do. And some serious listening. God will let me know. I just have to listen and then act on his commands.

I have only 15 days of student teaching left! I'm very excited. It is going so well. Thanksgiving is going to be awesome too. I am going to Tucson and am going to cook Thai food with my family. It is going to be delicious and fun. I'm hoping to hang out with EVERYONE. I want us to have a shindig, but I don't know who will be in town or available so we will have to wait and see what happens with that.

This week is going to fly by. I teach all day tomorrow from 7-3p. Then I babysit from 3:30-6p. Then I babysit another family from 6:30-8:30p. Then I go home and go to sleep. Thursday I teach all day then babysit in the evening. Then Friday I teach all day and have XA in the evening. I don't really have any plans for this weekend. I know I have to go through my things in the garage and figure out what I can take down to Tucson to put in storage at my sister's and what I need to post on craigslist for sale. I have been putting that off for too long.

Well I need to rest up. I have a lot to do and not much time to do it in. Luckily God's time is not my own.

I Have a Lot to Say.

Let's see if I have time to say it all. I am supposed to go donate plasma at 9a and babysit at 10a. So technically I should be getting ready for the day... eating breakfast, getting dressed and all that jazz. But I've been having an amazing few week. Let's start with last weekends retreat...

Last weekend I went down to Tucson for a Chi Alpha retreat. There were several other schools there including ASU and UA. It was a fun retreat. My main focus while I was there was hearing God. I had been praying for a couple weeks before the retreat that I wanted God to tell me what I should do with me life after college. I need him to tell me. But I have never listened for or really recognized God's voice before, so it was a challenge.

Last Saturday night I was sitting in the back row of the chapel and listening to the message. It was all about how when you hear God's voice you need to act on it. You need to prepare yourself to do the will of the Lord. It was a very good message. So I was sitting in the back row and I was watching this girl write a bibel verse on a bulletin board. It was a bulletin board for anyone to write on so I started thinking about a verse I could write on it. I thought of one from a retreat I went on when I was a Freshman in high school. So I started looking for it, but I couldnt remember where it was. My first inclination was that it was in Isaiah. So I started looking through Isaiah and almost immediately landed on Isaiah 6:8. It says, "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" I re-read it about a dozen times, but it was awesome! I got so excited. God spoke to me through his word. He wants me to do his work, I just need to step up and be prepared to say ,"Send me!"

One of my favorite things about that verse is that there is an excalmation point after Send me! Isaiah isn't grumpily saying "Fine... I suppose I'll do your will... Grrr." He is excited and eager and says, "Send me!" I am very excited to do God's will... now if only I knew what that was...

Last night at XA I was sharing my story with the whole group and of course I was getting very excited, because it is a fun story to share. At the end of our service we are invited to come up to the mic and share anything the Lord has spoken to us that is meant for the whole group. There is one gentleman in the group who has gotten up several times in the past and speaks about what he heard about specific people. I was hoping he would do it again and this time I wanted him to speak about me. And he did. While I was sharing my story he felt that I would serve the Lord through conversation. That I would talk to people, particularly females. He said he saw me counseling. That is very cool! He has such an amazing gift and God chose to speak about me. So I can see myself counseling others. I am interested in middle school aged kids, but I think I could be helpful to other ages too. I need to pray on that and see where God is going to lead me. It is very exciting though. The pieces to the puzzle are coming together.

I need to get ready! Pray for me.

Plan B

It has recently occured to me that I do not wanto be an au pair in Spain for the family I have been talking to. Since making this decision I have felt a great deal of relief. Then came the stress. If I'm not an au pair for this family then who?! So I started rethinking this whole plan. I prayed a lot and talked to anyone who would listen for any advice. I have decided that I must turn down the family and find a new one, one that I can feel 100% certain about. So I have started my search over and opened it up to more countries than just Spain. I am hoping to leave in March and live there (where ever there is) through May. At which time I would travel. This would give me an extra two months to work in Seattle and save money for my trip. I am still very excited about the whole endeavour, but now feeling more relaxed about it.

But I am sick! Working in an elementary school sure makes my immune system work! Unfortunately mine wasn't strong enough to handle all those germie kids. So I have a cold. I have plenty more to talk about, particularly the retreat I went on this past weekend, but I will have to do that later. I need to sleep and hopefully I will wake up in the morning healed!

Why I'm OK.

I've been so much happier this week than I was last week. At church on Sunday a guy was baptized. He quoted Job 23:10. It is such a good verse! I was in the process of teaching Erg to read the bible when the guy said it. I had Erg look it up and we read it. Job 23:10 says, "But He knows the way I take; When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold." I explained it, and it just made me feel so much better about this past six months!

God knows everything I do. He knows my path: past, present, and future. And when I have been tried and tested I will be so much better for it. All this horrible stuff has happened, but it' ok God will make me gold! I will be better off.

I realize it is easier to say this than believe it but it has really helped me.

I truly believe that all the shtuff that happened last spring happened so that I would breakup and go to Seattle for the summer. There I would realize how much I missed having a relationship with God. Then when I got back to Flagstaff I could share that renewed faith with him and help him to come to God. We both went through so much so that God can make us better in the end. It makes it hurt less. It makes it worth it.

Today Was a Good Day

Despite my most recent blog, I am doing ok. And today was a good day.

I went to dinner last night with him. We talked and laughed like always. I told him how I felt and it felt so good. We have always been able to communicate very well. With the exception of one (not so) minor thing that happened last spring. So I was not worried at all last night when I told him that I had not forgiven him for what he had done or that I was still angry. I let him know that I still want to be his friend because I think he needs a friend regardless of how I currently feel. It was a good night.

Today I went to church. It was a good service as always. If you ever want to read a good passage I suggest Job 23:10. It gives me so much hope for the future. There is "gold" in my future because I am facing "trials."

After church I went to my storage unit and cleared it out. I don't have nearly as much stuff as I thought I did. I really don't have much to sell now, which is great!

Spain may not happen. And surprisingly I'm ok with it. If it happens, cool. If not, it's ok. I'm currently working on a "plan B." The family I've been talking with in Spain just doesn't keep in touch enough for me to feel comfortable about the whole situation. Plus I've been praying a lot that God tell me where he needs me. Perhaps it's not in Spain. I'll keep you posted.

I gotta run to bed, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing ok.

What Happened?

Today started out pretty good. The weather was gorgeous so we taught outside. It was been really nice. The kids were good too. It is so interesting to me how different two classes can be. I'm starting to learn names. But it is tough. 600 names. And most kids I only see once a week.

Then at lunch I put my left over chinese food in one microwave and my mini bag of popcorn in the other. When they were both finished I took them back to my office to eat. But when I opened my box with the chinese food in it all the Sesame Chicken was gone! All that was left was a bit of rice. I was so bummed! and totally irritated. and very hungry. I ate the bit of rice and the mini bag of popcorn and had to buy a snickers out of the lounge. I don't know who ate my chicken but I was bummed. You know when you are looking forward to something (for me it is always food) and you have your heart set on it and then it's not there! Grr. Usually this happens to me with cereal. I love cereal. I'll wake up in the morning and start craving cereal. Then when I go to get some, bam! no milk. Grr. So the chicken thing left me bummed and hungry.

But the rest of my day went really well. I'm starting to get the hang out working with the elementary kids. I get to be goofy with them and am getting more comfortable with that. It was fun. Tomorrow I don't have to teach, I have to go to an all day training. I really hope it doesn't last all day and I really hope it isn't mind numbing.

After school I mailed off some things for a catalog party a client is hosting. My goal is to put 100% of my profit into savings. For as much as I've been working, I haven't been saving anything. Nada! And it's very frustrating.

Then I babysat. We had fun. Some of the neighbor kids came over so that was cool.

I was on my way to the grocery store, because I have no food, but stopped at the plasma center first. It took forever to donate. There were a ton of people there. My draw went pretty fast once they found my vein.

Then I went and got some groceries. I have a serious food addiction. Luckily for me I am very cheap so I don't buy too much at the grocery store. But I love shopping for food.

Once I got home I crashed in front of the TV with my computer and tried to relax. But I got grumpy and wasn't able to relax for some reason. I am very tense right now as I'm laying in bed. I don't really know why. It is very annoying. It's like my body has already forgotten Mexico and the naps on the hammock.

This weekend is going to be super busy. Ready for this?

Friday - training 8-4pm, serious homework (if I don't do it by tomorrow I fail student teaching! Thank you, I'll accept my procrastinator of the year award now), XA 6-9pm.

Saturday - housekeeping 7-10am, demonstrating 10-2pm, babysitting 4-7:30pm, maybe something social in the evening. Or better yet I need to move everything out of my storage locker and into my garage.

Sunday - pick up Greg, church 10-noon, take Greg home, meet April at 3pm, try to relax or maybe go for a walk/run.

Hmmm... It actually isn't as busy as I thought it was.

This weekend is homecoming. Maybe it is the thought of all those people drinking, flirting, and having fun that is bumming me out. I tried to drink in Mexico but it didn't work. I had three beers and I started to get angry and depressed and all I could think about was how angry I was about the whole Erg situation. The same thing had happened a couple nights before when Sam and I went out with the Pima track kids. (by kids I mean fellow 20-somethings of course) Alcohol is a depressant and always has had that affect on me, but never to this extent. I think I'm just so on the boarder about it all right now that any amount of alcohol just sends me reeling into all the could-have-beens, what-was-he-thinkings, what-did-I-do-wrongs, and how-can-I-fix-its. It is a very bad place to be in. So while everyone (my whole school, including the two people I actually hang out with) is out at Tequilla Sunrise and tailgating, I'm going to be at home or working.

I'm just so angry. I've never been angry like this before. I've never had a reason to be. Noone has ever done to me what he did to me. And all this summer when I was "getting over it" I didn't even have the whole story. I only knew how he was acting and how it made me feel. Now I know why he was acting the way he was and it makes me so angry! And yet I can't stay away. I am angry with him and hurt by him but I don't even think he has a clue. I don't let him know. I don't want to make him feel guilty so he will use again. I want to encourage and support him even though he isn't my responsiblilty anymore. I'm so angry. I'm hurt. And I'm pissed that the next time I have a man in my life who accidentally falls asleep at a friends house I will immediatly think he is doing something else. He broke my trust. I trusted him. I trusted him with me. and he blew it. How can I trust anyone again? How can I trust myself to trust anyone. Erg! This whole thing has left me angry and jaded. Those are two words I never would have used to describe myself. But now, they seem to fit. It's a good thing I can throw on a smile whenever I need. It's a good thing I can pretend it's all ok. I need to figure out what to do with all of this. I really want a hug from my mom right now. I don't know why really. I just know it would feel good and I would feel safe.

I can't believe I trusted him. I was such a fool. Erg.

Feelings

I have a lot of feelings right now. I feel anger, hurt, sad, frustrated, worried, nervous, excited, and relieved. I usually say that I eat my feelings. I eat whenever I am stressed or happy or nervous... I eat. I am really fighting the urges to eat these days. I feel like I have so much going on that I have to figure out a better way to handle it then eating. I really need to go to bed right now, but I want to do a super quick run through of my feelings and hopefully I can address them in a later post.
-Anger and hurt. I am not ok with what happened to me last spring. I said I was, I thought I was, but I was wrong. I have never had anyone so blatently betray my trust and faith in people as I experienced last spring. I will have to think long and hard before I get involved with anyone anytime soon. Addiction is a horrible horrible hurtful thing. And now I know this. I am currently working on forgiving. I am also working out what to do with our relationship (friendship only mind you!) now. We shall see.
- Sad. I am sad because I just found out that the company that I sky dived with over the summer, suffered a terrible tragedy recently. 10 jumpers were killed in a plane wreck. If you know my myspace you can see my pictures of my sky diving adventure. My jumping buddy, Kelly, is thankfully ok. But his brother was killed along with many others. I can't imagine going through something like that.
-Frustrated. I am mostly frustrated with my family in Spain. I am supposed to be moving to live with them in less then three months. However, my plans aren't solid and I'm not communicating with them as often or as well as I want.
-Worried. I am worried about moving to Spain.
-Nervous. I am nervous about moving to Spain. Obviously, I have a lot of feelings about Spain right now.
-Excited. I am excited for the things I have planned in my life. Spain, JVC, teaching... all are going to be awesome!
-Relieved. I am not going to Tucson this weekend. And as much as I am bummed I am not going to be hanging out with my Tucson friends (or going to their halloween parties) I am relieved I get to stay home. I can go to church, go for a run (which I havent done in months!), work, and do nothing. Plus I can save the $80 I would have spent on gas. Sweet!

So in conclusion, I have a lot of feelings right now. I am working through the tough ones and savoring the good ones. Now I must sleep.

What Am I Thinking?!

I'm not sure what I am doing or if I should be doing it. I've been hanging out with the ex. I love hanging out with him. Even with all that has happened over the past six months, I still have fun when I'm with him.

I am comfortable with him. He makes me laugh. I know what makes him laugh. I know him. And he knows me so well. I miss being with someone who knows me. My friends at XA don't know me. They are trying to get to know me, and they are very nice, but they don't know me. He knows me.

But what am I thinking?! He hurt me so bad. But I don't hate him. I can't... I told him last night that we couldn't be together again. He says he understands and wants me to go off to Spain and live my plans and adventures. I am just worried that I will end up hurting him when I go and I will hurt to go. Would it be easier to stay friends without getting too close?

Relationships are tricky things. I have so many feelings, thoughts, wishes, desires, memories, and ideas swimming through my head right now. This is going to be an interesting 9 weeks.

9 weeks! I only have nine weeks before I leave Flagstaff, possibly forever. Nine weeks. Nine very short weeks. Then I have to say goodbye to the ex, to the friends I've made, to XA, to the families that have taken me in as a member of their families, and to everything I have here. Nine weeks. But in that time I have eight weeks of student teaching, moving/selling my belongings, defining my relationship with my ex, and solidifying to travel plans.

So much... So many... there is just so much going on right now. My head is spinning.

Oh and on a completly unrelated side note: One of the small sapphires fell of my watch!! Grr. That was a grad present from my Dad. It's so small I'll never find it. I don't know when or where I lost it. Grr.

At least I know, with everything going on, that I can handle anything that comes my way. And that everything I go through is for a purpose. I hope that the purpose of all this is to keep the ex on a good path and encourage him. And hopefully he will find his own way (without drugs) to a good life maybe even with God. I know it's asking a lot...

Ready to Spill

I don't know why, but I just feel like crying today. Not in a bad way, per say, but I still feel crying. Like right now, I'm watching the last scene of Forrest Gump. I almost lost it. I don't feel like sobbing, just crying a bit. Earlier today at XA I almost cried a bit too because I was trying to write my "student perspective" piece. Lately I have just felt so overwhelmed. Student teaching is so much work! erg. I feel like it sucks all my energy and brain power and by the time I get to work or homework or XA I have nothing left to give. It is making everything else I do so much more difficult. I am getting frustrated with myself so much easier then I used to.

I haven't had a good cry in a while... but I feel it coming.

I'm just doing way too much right now. I know I have said this all before, but it is my everyday. Everyday I stop and say, "Wow. I am trying to do way way too much today." I am over booking myself. I have not given myself any time to work out in two months! AAHH!! I am so frustrated and gross feeling that it is bringing me down. I have to make a change. I have got to. I need to start telling people no. No, I can't babysit for you until midnight on a Thursday night. I have to get up at 5:45a. I need to sleep. No, I can't drive to Sedona I need some time to sit and think. No. Leanna said I can't help everyone. Well why not?! Who am I to say who does and doesn't deserve my help?!

But it's like I tell the mothers that I babysit for. They need to take care of themselves. They need to make time for their friendships and to pamper themselves. If they don't they will melt down and won't be as effective for there families. I feel like I am getting to that point. I am neglecting myself and if I keep it up much longer, I won't be of any help to anyone!

I need to figure out a new schedule for myself. I need include several things in the schedule...
-Time for God (reading the Word, biblestudy, prayer, XA, and NCA)
-Time to work out... even 30min each day would be awesome an hour would be perfect
-Time to work. I like working I can't just stop.
-Time for reading.
-Time to do absolutely nothing. I never do nothing. I need to do more nothing. I think it would be good for me.

!!$$!!

I just found a flight from LA to Madrid for $524! Cheap flights do exist! And even though I am not ready to buy my ticket yet, just knowing that I don't have to spend a grand on my ticket is great!

I have been praying that if I am really supposed to go on this trip, that I wanted God to let me know and provide a path. Well it looks like he has. $524 is easily $250 less then the cheapest ticket I had found before. SWEET!

Nothing Exciting...

Nothing exciting is going on right now. This is my last week teaching at the middle school so this is a light teaching week for me. I only have to teach two periods a day, rather than five because I am being "fased out." So my work load is low and I am pretty confidant that I will be able to get my whole portfolio good to go for Friday's student teachers meeting.

Let's see... what do I have going on this week...
Wednesday- teaching, then babysitting from 4p-9p.
Thurdsay- teaching, meetin with Leanna at 3:30p, babysitting from 4:30p-7pm, and more babysitting from 8pm-midnight. This is going to be a really long day. I am hoping to sleep at a friends house so I don't have to drive all the way home at midnight, but we will see.
Friday- teaching, student teacher meeting from 3p-5p, XA from 6pm-8pm. I have to give a quick "Student Perspective" talk at XA. I'm super nervous. Usually people talk about something that God has spoken to them over the past week. Unfortunantly, I don't think I'm very good at listening ot God yet, so I have no idea what I will talk about. I know I will come up with something, I'm just nervous. I really want my message to mean something to someone there! We'll see.
Saturday- I have a lot planned but in no particular order: babysitting, donating plasma, driving to Sedona to sell a bookcase, and meeting with my new co-op from the elementary school.

Oh and I need to keep working on my Spain things. I have printed the Visa requirements, but I am not sure if they apply to me. So I need to contact the Spanish consulate and see what's up. I also need to keep watching plane ticket prices. The more I think about my adventure the more I worry about the cost. I know I have enough money to get there and back. I'm just worried I won't have enough money to travel while I'm there or do all the things I want. I am fine traveling on a budget and I don't plan on staying at the Ritz, but I'm worried about money anyway. I'm still waiting for that random great uncle's cousin's nephew's brother twice removed to leave me a load of cash in his will. =)

Well it is past my bedtime and I need to go try to listen to God. Maybe he is trying to tell me what my message should be on Friday right now, but I'm not listening! Quick, sshhhh!

Some Pictures...

This is a picture of my room from the door. I love my room. I love my bed, it's big! I love the beaded curtain on the wall. I also love that the wall matches my furniture.

This is a picture book stand. My book collection may be small, but I love them. The frame has a picture of me when I graduated from high school and my mom when she graduated from college. The other picture is my dad's senior picture. It is the only time I have ever seen him without a beard. He looks pretty sharp if you ask me.

This is my pretty sister and I. We are at a family reunion in Tucson. My mom took this picture last May.

JP and I went to Applebees with my friends in Tucson a few weeks ago. He is my big little brother.

The Illustionist

I just finished watching The Illusionist. It's pretty good! I haven't watched such a captivating movie in a very long time. I highly recommend you check it out. I use tv-link.co.uk to watch movies and TV shows. Just a friendly suggestion.

My List

I made this list back in April. I started thinking about im upcoming graduation and was feeling directionless. So I made a list of things I wanted to help me get focused... It has been about five months, but I have already made some big changes/plans for my life.

I want to...

move back to Seattle... I would still love to live in Seattle, but I don't have the burning desire to get back anymore. Also, I wouldn't mind living in some place other than Seattle, like Portland, as long as I'm near the northwest.

have a place of my own... I would still love to have a place of my own. But my current living situation is pretty great. My roommates are clean and responsible and super considerate. My room is all mine, so it will do for now.

have a supportive network... I for sure have support in Seattle and Tucson. Sometimes I wish I had more support here in Flagstaff. I have people here I know care about me, but are often busy. I've been working on reaching out to a few people here, particular from my church group for support. So far so good.

work at jobs I love... I do love my jobs. I pretty much only babysit anymore and the families I sit for, I love. I'm supposed to start demonstrating pet food again, even though I hate it. The money is good though and the time commitment is very small. So it will be ok.

volunteer... I've done a little volunteering through XA. We went to a Soup Kitchen sort of deal. I'm really excited about JVC though. That will be a whole year of volunteer teaching. I can't wait.

work out regularly... Don't remind me. I haven't had the time or motivation since I started student teaching. It is starting to get to me too. I don't feel very good about myself these days, but who wants to wake up at 4am to work out?! I already wake up at 5:45am. And who wants to work out at 7:30pm after teaching and working all day? I need to find the time... but it may just have to wait till after student teaching.

travel... Maybe I will go to Rocky Point (Mexico) in a few weeks, but I have bigger and better things planned... Spain. Spain, Portugal, France, Germany, Ireland, England, Belgium, Switzerland, Italy... the list goes on. 2008 should be a big travel year for me. If I could only get my family in Spain to respond to my emails and give me details!

have a routine... I love routine. I have a pretty good one now. Things get changed up here and there but for the most part I student teach from 7a-3p everyday then work after. As long as I can keep having a routine, I'll be happy.

cook at home... When I wrote these my living situation was very different than it is now. Now I can cook at home whenever I like. My roommates have great pots, pans, knives, and gadgets too which makes cooking more fun.

learn new things like French, dance, crew... I haven't learned much more French then when I made this list but I have been working on learning more Spanish. And since I have been teaching dance (folk and line) I have picked up a few things. I would love to take a class sometime but we will have to wait and see on that one.

coach... I haven't been doing any coaching but maybe in Spain or when I'm doing JVC I can find a team that needs some help.

go for walks in my neighborhood... This is very similar to the not working out thing. Plus it is getting super cold already. Brrrr.

read, real books, often... I'm doing this one. I read several books over the summer and am working on a couple right now. I missed reading and I'm glad I'm doing it again.

read the newspaper... I don't read the newspaper yet, well not really. On Monday's when I'm babysitting I read the Dear Abby section and the funnies. But that doesn't count as reading the paper.

spend time with my family... I do this when I can. But since I'm solo in Flag it isn't as often as I'ld like. I do talk to them all (immediate family that is) often on the phone though.

get pets, other then just fish... One of my roommates has to Boxers. But I don't have any pets. Since I have my Spain and JVC plans it wouldn't be responsible to get any pets for a few years, and I'm ok with that for now.

have furniture I like, that works together... The only furniture I have is for my bedroom and it all looks great together if I do say so myself (and I do). I love my bedroom. Everything else I'm selling, but my bedroom stuff I'm going to store for the next couple years.

take vacations... I'm hoping to get to Rocky Point in two weeks. Then Tucson for thanksgiving, Seattle for Christmas... I think I've got vacations covered for a while.

have adventures... This summer I went sky diving with friends, seakayaking with my mom, and rafting with my dad. Spain will be my next big adventure and I can't wait.

have a wardrobe I actually like... I do have clothes that I like, so that is good. I used to hate my clothes, but now they work. I am not spending any money on clothes either. I have what I need for now, my money can be spent on better things like backpacks, plane tickets...

have projects to work on like scrapbooks, home stuff... Most of the projects I have been working on have involved student teaching. I have also taken on selling all my things on Craigslist. I have some scrapbooking I want to get done, but I haven't pulled it out yet. But now that I remember... maybe I'll do that.

be respected and treated that way... For the most part this is true. Other than the occasional student, I can't think of a time I have been disrespected lately. Good.

be appreciated... When I wrote this list my relationship with my then boyfriend wasn't going so great. So the one about respect and appreciation really speak to that. I feel appreciated generally... but then again I don't have a boyfriend to worry about.

have intellectual conversations and have the occasional debate... I still don't get this one as often as I would like. But who has the time? This one will come eventually.

entertain at my home by having dinner party, game nights... I'm hosting a BBQ here this afternoon. So I can check this one off my list. If it goes well I'll have a game day in a month or so. We shall see.

Things are going very well and I am happy. I think about myself five months ago and I was very different. I'm happy now. And I'm going to be late for church if I don't hurry to get ready!

TGIF

Remember TGIF? The shows that used to air at prime time every Friday night. I used to love Fridays for that reason. I never understood the big appeal of weekends. I always work so much that the weekends never seem that special, just more work! But now I LONG for the weekends!

I love teaching, don't get me wrong, but it is so much work! By the time Friday gets here I am exhausted. And even though I am still working on the weekends, the days are very different.

So here's to the weekend!

What a Week

Yesterday was miserable. That is the best way I can describe it. Things started off well enough... I woke up early (5:30a) and got to school at 7a. My co-op had an inservice so I had a substitute helping me out all day. Things were going well until 2nd period. That's when my supervisor showed up. Usually it isn't so bad. I've always liked and respected her. She is a good teacher. But last week she came in and found out that I had not written my unit plan yet.

A unit plan is supposed to be done before you start teaching a unit. It is a way of deciding all the objectives you want to teach to and the tasks you want to use to achieve those tasks. I never did mine. I skipped that step and went straight to the lesson plans. Well when my supervisor found out, she was not happy. She told me to catch up last weekend.

Needless to say, when she came in yesterday I still hadn't done it. Perhaps my priorities were out of whack, but I had other stuff to do. I still had to do my daily lesson plans after all. She told me to meet her at her office after school to discuss the situation.

That put a total funk on my whole day! All I could do all day was think about that meeting. What was she going to say? Was she going to hold me back an extra week so I could fulfill my requirements? If I had to stay back an extra week it could screw up all my plans. If I really had to spend more time teaching, I would have to postpone Spain!

School finally ended (it was a long, busy day) and I went to NAU to meet with my supervisor. It was a semi-pointless meeting. She didn't tell me what I needed to do to fix the problem or get caught up. She basically just told me she was frustrated with and confused about the whole situation. I don't know what she wanted me to do about it. If she isn't going to tell me how to fix it what's the point in meeting. We ended the meeting by saying she would be in touch with my co-op and see what to do from there.

After that stupid meeting, I went to donate plasma. But they said I couldn't because I had to wait one more day. I know it seems like a small thing, but when you are already pissed, grumpy, and feeling sick any little thing can just make you melt down. Luckily, Allison called me right then and she let me vent so I wouldn't have a total pitty party sob fest. So that was good.

Then I went to babysit my little friends. They are so cute. They are having a super hero birthday party. Can you picture 30 kids between the ages of 2 and 8 playing at a park dressed like super heros?! I think it is going to be hilarious. So babysitting cheered me up. We made cupcakes.

After finishing up with the kiddos I went to my bible study. It was my day to bring snacks (hence the cupcakes). The study went well. Trust is a tricky thing, but I think I'll have to chat more about that later.

When I got home from the bible study at 8:30p I started writing my lesson plans. I got four done and sent them to my supervisor. I also got an email that said I have until Friday morning to get my unit plan to my co-op. I have a ton to do, but at least I am feeling less overwhelmed. Now that I have a target I know I can handle it. My lesson plans are all but done and my unit plan is started. The unit plan will end up being about 16 pages long, but I can get it done. I have to or I can wave good bye to Spain... or at least post pone it.

That is not an option!

My roommates just surprised me with strawberry shortcake, flowers, and a gift card. It is very sweet. It is rare that the three of us are all around at the same time. I'm glad my birthday can bring us together.

Overly sentimental I know. But hey, I'm tired (I need to catch up on sleep!), sick (this cold thing has got to go!), and feeling old (just think... in one short year I can have my quarter life crisis!).

Tithing.

tithe /taɪð/ verb, tithed, tith·ing.
–noun
1. Sometimes, tithes. the tenth part of agricultural produce or personal income set apart as an offering to God or for works of mercy, or the same amount regarded as an obligation or tax for the support of the church, priesthood, or the like.

I have been thinking about giving tithes lately. It has been mentioned a couple differant time in differant unrelated place over the last month or so. Tithing is giving an offering of about 10% of everything you make. That is a pretty substantial offering. Especially since when I was young it was customary to give $1 a week. Now I am talking about giving... well a lot more.

My apprehension has to do with the faith required to give so much. Everyone says that God will provide and has never made them miss a bill since they have been tithing. Well that may be true, but I am used to relying on myself! If I tithe I will have to rely on God. But then... isn't that the point.

Last night I sent my mother an email to get her opinion on the issue. As far as I know she doesn't tithe. Everyone who has talked about it or that has told me that God provides for them does tithe. Anyway I sent her this email. Then I woke up this morning feeling very groggy. I decided instead of getting ready for the day that I would read today's Bible passage. I'm still in Genesis and am reading about Abraham and Sarah. The passage is talking about God's timeless promise to Abraham, that he would have as many decendants as there are stars. Then my Bible suggests I read Phlippians 4:19 as another example of a timeless promise from God. So I go and it says, "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

Holy Moly! That says exactly what I needed to hear. God will take care of me, always. I just need to trust him enough to let him work in me.

Tithes. It's time to start giving and know that God will provide for me. I just hope he provides enough for Spain too.

My Autobiography

I had to write an autobiography as part of the Jesuit Volunteer Corps (JVC) application process. So here it is. I don't like writing autobiographies, they are so broad. How am I supposed to sum up 24 years in five pages and make it flow. I guess if I were a writer it could be a fun assingment. But I see it as a superficial look at my life. Where I went, who I knew, and a little about what I was thinking. Anyways, here ya go...

Hannah
Essay B: Autobiography
30 September 2007

I was born in Tucson, Arizona on October 4, 1983, to James and Rinna. They already had a four year old daughter, Sophia, from my mother’s previous marriage. A year and a half later our family welcomed my brother, JP (James Patrick). My mother was working as a paralegal and my dad with a local union as a sheet metal worker. Unfortunately, growth in Tucson was slowing down and my dad was having a difficult time finding work. He worked in California and Hawaii on separate occasions, but leaving his young family behind in Arizona was not a long term solution.

When I was five years old we packed up the house that my father had grown up in and moved to Seattle. My mother grew up in eastern Washington and had family in the area. My dad was able to join the local union and found plenty of work to keep him busy. My mom began working at a large law firm. My brother and I were bussed to Maple Elementary School. I attended Maple for two years before transferring to the Lutheran school near my house. I attended Hope Lutheran from third grade until graduation from eighth grade.

At Hope Lutheran I first came to know God. I took daily religion classes, went to church and/or Sunday school weekly, and went to youth group. At Hope I felt that I was part of a community. I met my best friend at Hope and was introduced to sports. While at Hope I excelled in basketball, volleyball, softball, and track. When graduation came I chose to attend a Catholic high school thirty minutes across town.

I loved high school! Bishop Blanchet High School showed me that being connected and part of a community is extremely important to me as a Christian and as an individual. I took more religion and scripture classes at Blanchet and participated in yearly retreats. I connected with friends who could speak freely about God and was a part of teams that prayed before each game.

While in high school sports continued to play a vital part in how I saw myself. I saw myself as an athlete. I didn’t excel in the classroom, but on the track I was a star. I set the school record in the pole vault, got third at the state meet, and was team MVP my sophomore year. I also made the junior varsity basketball team my freshman and sophomore years and was proving myself to be a valuable member of the team. My junior year of high school I went out for cross country in the fall. By the time basketball season started I had a horrible case of tendonitis and bursitis and was benched. Two months before track season was scheduled to start I had knee surgery. It was a huge blow to my identity. If I couldn’t play sports, who was I? What good was I?

By the start of my senior year I was ready for graduation. I began counting down the days until graduation in November. I didn’t know what I was going to do after graduation, but I did know I wanted to live on my own and go to college. Unfortunately, none of the state colleges in the Northwest thought I would be an asset to their communities. Not to be discouraged, I broadened my sites and looked into the community college in my former hometown, Tucson, Arizona. Pima Community College was close to the home I once lived in and it had a track program. I could do track, live on my own, and go to college!

My sister and I moved to Tucson in July of 2002. My parents drove down with us and helped us get set up in our new (old) home. The transition was an exciting one. I transferred from the Petco I had worked at for two years in Seattle, to a Petco in Tucson. I worked twenty hours per week, went to school full time, and had track practice each afternoon. I was very busy, but was thriving. I was part of the track team, which was my community. I did not seek out a church to be a part of, but enjoyed going home to Hope Lutheran and Blanchet whenever I paid Seattle a visit.

My very first college track meet was at the University of Arizona. My parents came down to witness the event. They also came down to tell my sister and me that they were separating and would be getting a divorce. This was a huge shock. I was unaware at the time that they were even having problems. I was upset, but tried not to show it. I have become very close to my parents since their divorce. I call them often and am excited to hear about their growth and adventures. I can’t say that I wish they had stayed together because I see how happy my mom is now. I wouldn’t want anyone to be denied that happiness. I just hope that my dad is able to find that sort of happiness someday.

After graduating from Pima with an Associates degree, I transferred to Northern Arizona University with two of my Pima track teammates. I did track at NAU for one year before retiring. I worked and went out with friends to fill my time. I still had not taken the time to think about God’s role in my life and my need to have Him with me. However, I did re-ignite my passion for teaching while at NAU. While learning about physical education and health I remembered why I wanted to become a teacher in the first place: I love kids!

I found several families in Flagstaff that needed weekly babysitting. Over the years I have become a member of those families. They have been there for me and I for them. One family in particular has been especially good to me. They hosted a graduation party for me and my family, provided me with a place to sleep when I needed it, and are always there when I need a hug.

In May of 2007 I graduated from Northern Arizona University with a Bachelor’s in health education with an emphasis in physical education. Though I don’t get my diploma until I complete my student teaching in December, it was a great time to celebrate. Also in May I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half. After our relationship ended I moved back to Seattle to work, save money, reconnect with family and friends, and reevaluate my plans for the future. This summer was the most amazing of my life. I had adventures (white water rafting, kayaking in the San Juan Islands, and sky diving) and had plenty of time to think and talk about my life. While talking with a friend from high school she mentioned JVC. I immediately researched it and spoke with a friend of ours who was currently serving. I also spoke with a friend who had a wonderful experience serving as an au pair in Spain. It was then that I realized how much I missed having a church and made it my goal to find one in Flagstaff when I came back.

I came back to NAU refreshed, energized and ready to conquer the world. I immediately became connected to Northland Christian Assembly, their college aged youth group, Chi Alpha (XA), and their women’s bible study. Since joining NCA and XA I have felt as though my life is right on track. It is an amazing feeling. I am part of a community again!

My life has been good so far. I have an amazing family, wonderful friends, and all the opportunities I could dream of are at my fingertips. However, I feel that the best is yet to come. Moving to Spain for six months, serving as a volunteer with JVC, and teaching are all adventures that excite me and encourage me. I look forward to what God has planned for me next.

*If you are a stalker, I think this provides you with all the info you need to track me down, best of luck to you.

Busy Busy Busy

I just got home from XA. It was a good one all the way around. I am very glad to be home though.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty under the weather. I stopped at safeway on the way to school and bought some dayquil. It didn't really help much. My throat stopped being sore, but my head still ached (a ton) and my body was pretty achey. Being a teacher and being sick is tough. Really tough. I never really thought about it before.

After school I stopped by the travel agent to discuss my trip to Spain. I've decided to use an agent to help me book my flight. That way I can find the best price without having to check a ton of websites. I'm hoping to hear back from her next week about what she finds. So far, from the rough searches I can expect to pay anywhere from $750-$900. Yikes that is a lot! But it will be so worth it.

When I got home I did nothing. I watched some TV. Played on myspace for a while. But mostly I just sat on my couch and relaxed. It felt really nice. And even though the couch was calling me to stay put, I changed and went to XA anyway. I am really glad that I did.

Kelly talked about how our words are really powerful. The quote, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me," is so far off base that someone was obviously lieing to themselves when they came up with that. Our words do hurt. They can hurt others and our selves. If you tell yourself you are a ditz long enough you will believe it! If you tell someone they are ugly long enough they will believe it. Our words have power. SO much power it amazes me. It makes me want to watch everything I say!

I called my brother as soon as XA was over. When we were growing up, I was really mean to him. I have said some horrible horrible things to him. So when I called him I told him what today's message was about and asked him if he remembered the things I said to him when we were young. Of course he did. I told him that I remembered to and that I was sorry. I don't think the things I said were true then or now and I am sorry I said them. Thankfully he accepted my apology.

I'm just thrilled with the relationship I have with my brother and my sister. We have gotten to be so close! All three of us moving to AZ has really bonded us. We rely on eachother and are sure to call one another, particularly when we need to discuss something going on with our parents. I am really looking forward to the time when we are all grown with our own families. When we can take time out of our daily grind to spend time as a big group (or a small group, who knows!). It will be fun to get together for the holidays and send my kids over to their uncle's house on the weekends. I'm just really excited that the three of us have grown together as we've gotten older, rather then apart.

I've been doing really well at controlling my time on the internet. I am not spending hours at a time looking up Europe stuff or reading travel books. Granted, I haven't filled that time with writing lesson plans, but I will. This Sunday, I have to write my lesson plans for the coming week! I have to promise myself that I will do it! No more slacking off!

I've also started thinking about grad school again lately. I really like the idea of having a Master's degree. This week I've really been feeling called to work with middle school kids. Particularly those without support at home. I have one student who hasn't seen his dad in two days! He lives with the man for crying out loud. What kid of parent... nevermind. I want to work with kids who need to know that someone cares about them, what they do, where they go, and who they are. I think I would like a master's in educational psychology or school counseling. But I'm not sure yet. I will have to check into what I would be able to do with each of those degrees. I have plenty of time for that still. I wouldn't enroll untill 2009 so I have time. It is crazy having that much of my life mapped out already.

The next three months will be spent student teaching. The five months after that I will be in Spain. The one to two months after that will be spent traveling Western Europe. The twelve months after I return from Spain I will be volunteering with JVC. So I am looking to put grad school in after JVC, 23 months from now.

I didn't realize how late it is! It's already after 11p. For someone who goes to bed at 10p on a regular basis, this is pushing it. Tomorrow is a busy day too. I am going to go clean the Fox house at 8a. That will take me 2-3 hours. Then I will donate plasma. That will take me about an hour. Then I can come home and do laundry and what not. Then I babysit from 4:30p-8p. After that I will most likely go home and do nothing, however, I may call Greg and see what he is up to. We shall see. Sunday is church at 10a followed by fellowship (aka lunch). After that I MUST write my lesson plans. If I have time I need to work on my unit plan as well.

Busy busy busy. I'm just glad I made the choice to go to XA even though I wasn't feeling 100%. My brother has deserved that apology for a very long time. I'm glad he finally got it!

I Hate When You Are Right

Do you ever hear exactly what you need to hear exactly when you don't want to hear it?! That happened to me about 30 minutes ago.

First of all I had a pretty rough day today. My teaching supervisor came in today to watch me teach. She had a nice long talk with my co-op then a nice long talk with me. I like my supervisor, don't get me wrong, but she was calling me out on everything I already knew I was doing wrong. I know I am not getting my lesson plans in early enough. I know I haven't done a unit plan yet. I know that I'm not writing my performance objectives the way you want. I know all of this. But it is very different for me to know it and for someone else to look me in the eyes and tell me. I hate that feeling. I almost cried. I didn't thank goodness. As she was talking to me I felt this wave of frustration and exhaustion crash down on me. I almost cried. I felt my face turn red and my eyes start to sting. But I stopped it and controlled myself.

After all that I was running late to teach my next class. And it was parent switch day. So I had a bunch of parents in my classes so I felt even more pressure to not screw up! Erg! THEN I could get the volleyball nets down after class. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but when you spend the entire lesson fighting the overwhelming feeling to just curl up in a ball and cry, the nets not cooperating is a huge deal. Just so you know, I ended up having to use boltcutters to get everything put away... don't ask.

But on to the good stuff.

Today is the last day that I will be working afterschool at the middle school. This will give me an extra hour on Tuesdays and Thursdays to do whatever I need to do. I may go donate plasma on Tuesdays. We'll see. But I am done with that commitment. I am going to miss it though. I like socializing with the kids in a none scholastic environment.

After I worked at the middle school I went and babysat the boys. They are 3 and 5 (almost 4 and 6) and they crack me up. I was making them dinner tonight and the 5 year old comes up and says, "Hannah, I don't like you." I was a shocked! I have seen them almost every week for two years! These are my boys, they are my family! Then he says, "I don't like you. I love you!" It was the cutest goofiest thing I had heard all day and it was exactly what I needed to hear. It totally took my mind off of teaching and all I have to do there.

After babysitting I ran (not literally) over to campus for my women's bible study. Today's topic was time. Do we use it effectively? Do we fill our lives with distractions rather then priorities? It wasn't until the very end that I really understood what we were talking about. I mostly sat there saying I am very smart with my time. I multi-task. I make to do lists. I am always on time. I plan. But then at the very end it hit me. I am filling my life with a distraction that is affecting my student teaching, my household chores, and walk with God. I have been spending every free second I have reading my travel books, playing on GoogleMaps and looking up people on couchsurfing.com. My trip is in 8 months! I have plenty of time to plan. I am only student teaching for 11.5 more weeks! Which is the priorit? Student teaching is. But I am wasting my time. Maybe wasting isn't the right word... I'm not utilizing my time. Rather then praying I am searching to see what there is to do in Munich. I am so disappointed in myself for letting myself get caught up in the excitement and get distracted. Just two weeks ago I told someone how thirsty I felt for the Word. Where did that go? Why did I let it slip away?

I hate hearing exactly what I need to hear, especially when I need to hear it. But I love how I feel back on track now. That overwhelming sensation is gone. I feel that now I am able to allow myself to NOT research my trip every second of the day. I feel like it is ok that I put it on the back burner for a bit.

God is amazing. That is all I can say. For the last month or so since I started going to NCA and XA I have felt so on track. I feel like I'm heading in the right direction. And when I do feel like I took a wrong turn, I feel like I get re-directed back on track fairly quickly. What an awesome sensation.

So I am going to take the books back to the library tomorrow. The Europe planning can wait a bit and I don't need that temptation in the house. Once I get my lesson plans, unit plans, and all that under control again I can bust out the books. But for now, I have things to do!

Google Earth

Google Earth is awesome. I could just stop there and let that be my entire post, but I think I will elaborate a little. Google Earth awesome because it is going to help me plan my adventures in Europe. I have started placing "thumbtacks" all over the map. I have put yellow ones in the cities that I will stay in as "home bases." In these cities I will find people to stay with and start my day trips from. I've also put green thumbtacks in the cities where I already know people. There are more yellow tacks then green ones, but that's ok.

Google Earth is awesome because now I have a visual picture of where I want to go. Before the thumbtacks were in place, I was just looking all over at the cities, but now I have something to focus on. It's a good thing.

My weekend was good. It could have been more productive though. On Friday I went to the library and got travel books. Then I went to XA. On Saturday, I donated (sold) plasma, went to lunch and the library again, and went to storage. At storage I took a handful of pictures of the things I'm going to sell on craigslist. Then I went to bookman's to sell my movie collection. They didn't like many of them though. Oh well... I'll post the rest on craigslist too. Then I babysat from 4-10:30p. Sunday I sold a headboard from my storage unit, went to church, then lunch, and then went home. This is where I said I could have been more productive. I didn't do laundry, work on lesson plans, or organize my junk in the living room. I played on the computer and IMed Allison. Actually I did work on my JVC application, so that was good. Then I went to Cole's 1st birthday party. I felt a bit out of place. But that's what happens when your the only one in the whole house that doesn't have a kid or two. Then I came home did my lesson plans for today, though I should have done more, and went to bed.

I don't have to work tonight. Which is good because I've been overworking myself, and bad because I want the money. After I finish teaching at 3p I am going to rush over the the XA building, the Hub, and meet up with everyone. We are going to go work at a soup kitchen for a few hours. After that I am going to go work out at the gym for an hour. I haven't done cardio in over a month and I feel gross. Then I will go home, eat, do my lesson plans for tomorrow, and then go to bed. Actually, now that I think about it, the season premier of Heroes may be on, and since I wont get to watch the show because I usually work Mondays 4-9p this could be a special treat!

I gotta run! I don't want to be late for another exciting day of teaching.

The Answer Is...

Impatient!

This morning in my email box was a message from Reme and Manuel. They said, "¡Of course we are interested! We thought you will be with us in January for sure. If you are still interested in stay with us please don´t worry at all." Yikes! Do you know what that means? Well, a couple things. One- I am moving to Spain in January!!!!!! Two- I just started talking to a couple really cool families in the UK that I have to break the news to. and Three- I have not learned this patience thing yet.

Holy crap. This is really happening! I have so much to do! I need to start saving pronto. Well not start exactly. But keep saving and find a better way to save more. I will hit the books this weekend and see what I can do. I also need to buy a plane ticket. That is tricky. That means I have to have the money for the ticket (the cheapest I've seen so far have been $600) and I have to pick a date. When exactly do I want to go? I want to go as soon as possible, Jan 5th or so. But if I stay in the States longer I can work a bit longer and save up more money.

My birthday is coming up and everything I have asked for directly relates to my travels. A backpack, things for my laptop, money for Spanish courses in Spain. I am so excited!!

I've got to finish getting ready for the day. It's Friday! I never really used to care about the weekends. But now, even though I work most weekends, it is still nice, to have some me time.

Am I Being Impatient or Blown Off?

It has been almost two weeks since I last heard from Manuel and Reme. I sent them an email today. It said that if they already found another au pair I would like to know. I'm pretty sure they have blown me off. And that is fine! I just wanted to know. So hopefully they will write me back and let me know what's up. I've already started contacting more families. Some of them look promising too. I've decided to open up my options by considering Ireland, the UK, Germany, France and several other European countries. By looking at more families then just those in Spain, I will increase my chances of finding a good family.

Student teaching has been nuts. This week has been crazy. I never realized how much work it was going to be. I had to write four lesson plans every day. It may not seem like much, but when you throw that on top of work and not enough sleep, it adds up. I've been swamped. I finally realized that I can't work as much as I want right now. Working 25 hours a week on top of teaching from 7-3p M-F just isn't going to work. But I love making money! and I love supporting myself! and I love being there to help the families I work for! Stupid sleep. If I didn't need so much sleep I would be able to do it all!

This past weekend was interesting. I met Greg at Uptown Billiards. We played pool, had a beer, and listened to a celtic band. It was fun. We got to talk a bit too. I finally asked him the question I've wanted to since I found out he was using over the summer. I asked, "Did you use while we were together?" He did. Right around the time that I first moved out (for a week) he started using again. I'm pretty bummed. I believe in him so much that I just don't understand how he could do that. I told him in our first month of dating when he told me that he had been an addict. I told him that I would not date a user and that I would break up with him if he chose to use. At least I kept my word. I broke up with him. Even though at the time I didn't know he was a drug user. It sucks.

But, I'm ok. I'm good. I still care a ton about him and want to be there for him. He is my friend. And despite the fact that he is a user, he is still my friend. I am going to be there for him. I've never been good friends with a drug addict, till now. And I know he will probably burn this bridge at some point... but for now, I am here for him. I hope he is there for me... but when was he? Was he there for me? I'm not sure... I honestly don't really care. I don't turn to him for support. I have support elsewhere and I'm ok with that. I want to be his support. He needs this. At least I think he needs this. I think he needs someone to encourage him and push him to do great things with his life. I don't want him to settle for less. He could be so much. I hope he will be. We shall see.

Tomorrow I am going to the library after teaching. I am going to take a look at all the CDs and download all the ones I like into my iTunes. I know, exciting right? After my fun filled library time I head off to XA (my youth group). Actually.. maybe I will go donate plasma... We'll see.

Well that's all I've got for right now.

Lesson Plans

I have been procrastinating for about two weeks now, but I can't wait any longer. I have a ton of lesson plans to write. So far the only part of teaching that I don't like is the Lesson Plan writing. They are very easy to come up with, but they take time.

So instead of doing lesson plans I have spent a good part of today searching au pair sites for possible families to stay with. I am still holding out for Reme and Manuel, but I haven't heard from them yet. It is just fun to imagine myself living in a flat in London or helping a Belgian family with their young children.

This morning I got to sleep in some. Then I went to church. It was a really good service. May favorite combination of musicians was there today and Pastor's message was really good. Open my eyes that I might behold the wonderful things in your law. Psalm 119:18. Pastor talked about having spiritual vision. It is important to trust God and not look back. It was a good message.

On Saturday, I worked from 8am-4pm. I spent Saturday evening watching Dreamgirls and playing on my computer. Good movie. Then Greg and I went to Uptown Billiards to watch a celtic band play. We had a beer and played some pool. We are no good. But I won. Then we met up with Emily at the Mad I. We had a good time. It is hard to be there with Greg and not be with Greg. He is so sweet and cute. But he is not good for me. I am glad that we are able to be friends still, he means so much to me. He is capable of so much, I want to be a source of encouragment for him, even when all I want is a big hug from him.

It was a good weekend. It has been so busy. Life has been so busy lately. I can't wait until teaching is my sole source of income. When all I have to worry about is teaching, I will be able to spend my after school time doing other things then working. But, that is still a couple years away.

Well I am going to go work on my Lesson Plans at Joetini's. At least there I will focus on my computer to keep the weird guys at the bar from talking to me. But I can enjoy the best salad in all of Flagstaff.

Hasta luego.

Week Three Has Ended

I have officially finished three weeks of Student Teaching. Man! It is hard work! Last night all I wanted to do was come home, watch a bit of TV then go to sleep. On a Friday night! I feel so old.

Student Teaching is going great though. I love my co-op and what I am teaching. My students always keep me on my toes and it is awesome being at a school with administrative support. I am learning a lot, like how to juggle. Not actually juggle (although it would make sense for a PE class) but how to multi-task to the max.

Next week, everything being taught I am teaching. My co-op is stepping back and I have full reign. It is almost overwelming. Almost but not quite. It is a lot of work though. I have to write 25 lesson plans this weekend. Or at least 10 to get ready for Monday and Tuesday.

Today is a busy day too. I am working. I actually need to get dressed right now. I am going to head over to the Foxy Spencer household and clean for a couple hours. Then I go babysit in Baderville for three hours. After that I think Greg wanted to hang out, but we will see. I think when I finishe babysitting I will come home and write a few lesson plans, clean my own house some, and probably take a nap if I can. My roommates are gone for the weekend. I have the house to myself. But I also get to watch the dogs.

I still haven't heard back from Reme and Manuel yet. I hope they get back to me soon. If they don't want me to be their Au Pair, I want to keep looking. I am sure they are just having a busy week. Not everyone checks their emails three or four times a day. I need to just relax and wait for this to happen. It will happen, if it is supposed to.

I want to see the world! I was looking at a map yesterday. How do I decide where to go? Which cities do I see? Should I fly (it is so cheap!)? or hitch? I want to see it all! I am going to start researching towns cities, festivals and events so I can start trying to determin where and when I want to go. I love planning! I gotta run. There are houses to be cleaned.

DoDS for me?

I just had a genius idea...

Last night I went to see No Reservations with Emily in Sedona. It was ok for a chick flick. It was good to have some time to hangout and chat with Emily on the drive. Student Teaching has left me too tired to spend much time with people (at least grown ups) anymore.

Anyway, on our drive down to Sedona Emily is telling me about her plan to do her student teaching with DoDS. DoDS is the educational system on US military bases. So basically Emily would get to teach American kids in a foreign country. It is an awesome program, and if I was allowed to do it I would have in a second. But don't get me started on why I couldn't.

Then I was talking with Emily about my trip to Spain and my worries about money. Will I have enough to enjoy traveling after I am an au pair?

Then it hit me this morning as I'm putting in my contacts! Why don't I look into being a subsitute teacher with DoDS in Spain? That way I can teach, I don't have to know a new language, I can earn some money, and I can get to know other Americans! It would be awesome. So now I need to check into the military situation overseas and see what is viable.

If this idea doesn't pan out, something will. I will ask Reme and Manuel to help me find some work in Madrid too. Clara is in school 9a-5p, so I would need something to fill my days. Sure I could do nothing... but I've never been good at that.

Well I gotta run. I just wanted to share my exciting idea.

So Much To Do... So Little Time

I'm exhausted. But I am going to stay up a few more minutes and write this anyway. I don't know why I'm on such a journaling kick right now. I have like three going. Perhaps because I've been so busy this semester I want to make sure that I chronical it in case I've forgotten anything.

Student teaching is hard. It is very hard. I know I am doing a good job, but it is hard. I feel like I have to give 200% all the time. I've taken on so much at the school that I am wondering how long I can maintain it. Plus, I haven't even started writing the lessons for all the classes. I feel like I am doing so much already, but next week I will be doing even more. Is this what it will be like when I'm a "real" teacher?

I wonder all the time if I am too mean, if I yell too much, or if I'm just not fun. It's hard to tell. A lot of the I yell because everyone is across the field. But do I have to talk so short? I think so. I tried to light and witty at first. But when you have a class of 20 8th graders and 10 are considered special ed, you have to change things up a bit. You have to change your pace. Well I've changed mine, and I'me hoping it was the right thing to do. I'm hoping I am still being true to myself and my teaching style. I love my co-op. She is a great, motivated, hard working teacher (with 3 master's! How many PE teachers do you know of that have 3 master's degrees?!). I look up to her a lot, but I want to make sure that I am me, and not her. I should work on that.

Tomorrow is Fitness day. I created a potentially cool relay thing. The hard part about being a new teacher is that I have no way of knowing how long certain tasks will last. Did I plan enough stations? Did I make the stations too hard? Or were they not hard enough? Will the students have fun? Will they cheer eachother on? Or will they be mean to each other? I have no way of knowing. I will show my co-op in the morning and she will give me some feed back, but really there is no way for me to know. I'll let you know how it goes.

I haven't heard anything back from Manuel or Reme yet. Keep your fingers crossed for good news. Sam has decided she is going to visit me in Madrid in May. I'm really excited for her. I wish I could travel with her... Actually there is no real reason why I couldn't. She wants to travel Europe in May. I'm not planning to travel until June. I suppose I could go earlier and have someone to go with. But I like the idea of not having a schedule and just hopping from here to there whenever the wind takes me. I'll have to think about that one...

I'm nodding off... but I have so much on my mind! I talked to Greg today. He is doing good. Working. Clean. He sounds happy. Which makes me happy. I really hope that we can be friends. I know it sounds so cliche! But honestly, I care about him and want to stay a part of his life. I want him to know that I am here to encourage him and cheer him on. This weekend we may go mountain biking with his cousin and uncle. I really hope we do. I haven't had a good workout in ages. And it would be good to do something together. (Besides eat or watch tv)

Alright... that is all I've got. I'm off to bed.

Hasta.

Patience

I must learn patience.

It's a tough lesson to learn, but I need it! I emailed Manuel and Reme to let them know that I want to be there au pair and to firm up the details of my trip. That was only two days ago and I am already starting to check my email more then usual. I just need to calm down. They will get back to me when they have time!

I'm just so excited is all. First I figured out what I wanted to do: move to Spain and be an Au Pair. Then I figured out where in Spain I wanted to go: Madrid, because of its central location. Now I know who I want to live with in Spain: Manuel and Reme, they live just outside of Madrid, are doctors, and have one daughter. Next comes when: I know I want to get there in early January, but on the 7th? 8th? When?

When I get a date picked out I can by a ticket! That will take a big chunk out of my savings account, but that's what it is there for.

I am working so much these days, it's starting to get to me a little. I student teach from 7-3pm Monday through Friday. But I don't get paid for that, it's basically an internship. Mondays I work 4-9pm. Tuesdays I work at the school's pool from 3-4pm. Then I babysit from 4:30-7pm. On Wednesdays I work from 3:30-6:30pm. Thursdays I work at the pool from 3-4pm. Friday's I have declared a me night! No work! Saturadys vary, I will either babysit or demonstrate at the pet stores. Same with Sundays.

I love working, don't get me wrong. I really enjoy it. But working along with student teaching full time is tough. Those kids are exhausting. And because I do so much, I haven't figured out how to fit working out into my schedule. I haven't had a good workout since I left Seattle. Maybe Thursday and Friday, since I don't work I should go to the gym... And Saturday and Sunday too. That doesn't sound very realistic, but I'll figure out something.

Today's To Do List:
-Laundry
-Bible study @ 7:30pm
-Write Lesson Plans for the rest of the week

I've been procrastinating on the laundry and lesson plans for a long time. But It's getting to the point that I HAVE to do it.

I wonder what it will be like in Spain... Will I be able to find a school to learn Spanish at? Will I make friends? Will I meet some hot young 20 something to take me out? Will I get along with the family? What cities will I visit? Will I be able to find extra income in Spain? What is their neighborhood like? Will I find a church that I like? Who will come visit me? Will I like the food? How many times will I get lost? How many times will I cry? Will I think I made a mistake? Will I feel connected to my family and friends? How many countries will I meet people from? Will I have a place to exercise? Will I gain weight? Will my clothes look crazy compared to everyone elses? Will I find the toothpaste I like? Will they have my contact solution? How many sunburns will I get? Will they let me drive? Where will they go on vacation? Will I get to go with them?

So many questions... I have so many questions surrounding this whole endevour and so few answers. I guess that's why this is so exciting! There is so much that is unknown.

Well I need to go get my lunch packed up and head off to the school. I get to teach the Virginia Reel today. I'm actually nervous about it! I'm not sure why... it's fairly simple... Oh well, we'll see how it goes.

I have Bible Study tonight. I'm looking forward to that. Perhaps my next entry will have something to do with what I've learned about my self and God and how he is working in my life right now. I know He is... He is helping me learn patience.

To Be An Au Pair

I've created this blog because I am going to Spain to be an Au Pair...

I have to pause a second to let that sentence sink in. This past summer was amazing. In May I ended my first and only real relationship after a year and a half. I had just graduated from college and I had made very limited plans for myself.

A wise woman (my mom), reminded me that I had wanted to travel and have adventures after college. With this in mind I spend my summer thinking about myself and my future.

Where do I want to live?
What do I want in a relationship?
What sort of work do I want to do?
Who is important to me?
What can I do to ensure my own happiness?

With all these questions rolling around in my head all summer it's a wonder I got any work done! But I did manage to work and save money. I also spent a lot of time reconnecting with old friends.

One friend told me about a volunteer organization called Jesuit Volunteer Corps. I checked it out, prayed about it, and decided it was just the sort of thing I wanted to do!

But wait, I finish student teaching in Dec of 2007 and JVC doesn't start until Aug of 2008. What will I do for seven months? Ah Ha! I'll move to Spain!

As random as it sounds the decision actually makes a great deal of sense.
1. I am going as an Au Pair (nanny... sort of). I have over two years of valuable child care experience with several families and an education degree.
2. I took Spanish in high school. And while you may think that doesn't seem like much, you're right, it's not! But at least it is something.
3. While in JVC I will primarily serve lower income communities, many of which may have a need for a teacher who knows some Spanish. And even though I don't know much Spanish now, I will in a year from now.
4. This is the opportunity of a life time. I have no boyfriend, no career, no car payment, and no lease. This is the time to go. While I have no strings attached!

So I posted a profile on an Au Pair website and waited the families to come to me. And they did! Much faster then I thought they would have. I had a bunch of interested families. The more I talked to them, the more I was able to deteremine what exactly I was looking for in a family and city.

I decided on Madrid. It is centrally located in Spain, which means it will be easy for me to get to other parts of the country for weekend trips. Madrid is also a HUGE city. There will be plenty of English speakers around to keep me from getting too lost and plenty of young college students to hang out with.

Today I chose the family I want to live with. They seem very nice. Both the parents are doctors and they have one daughter who is seven years old. I hope to hear back from them soon, so I can start choosing a date. I am ready for the countdown to begin.

Right now I will tentitively leave in four months.

Just four short months. Time flies when I'm teaching, so I am sure January will be here before I know it. Spain! I'm moving to Spain.

How amazing is that?