What Am I Thinking?!

I'm not sure what I am doing or if I should be doing it. I've been hanging out with the ex. I love hanging out with him. Even with all that has happened over the past six months, I still have fun when I'm with him.

I am comfortable with him. He makes me laugh. I know what makes him laugh. I know him. And he knows me so well. I miss being with someone who knows me. My friends at XA don't know me. They are trying to get to know me, and they are very nice, but they don't know me. He knows me.

But what am I thinking?! He hurt me so bad. But I don't hate him. I can't... I told him last night that we couldn't be together again. He says he understands and wants me to go off to Spain and live my plans and adventures. I am just worried that I will end up hurting him when I go and I will hurt to go. Would it be easier to stay friends without getting too close?

Relationships are tricky things. I have so many feelings, thoughts, wishes, desires, memories, and ideas swimming through my head right now. This is going to be an interesting 9 weeks.

9 weeks! I only have nine weeks before I leave Flagstaff, possibly forever. Nine weeks. Nine very short weeks. Then I have to say goodbye to the ex, to the friends I've made, to XA, to the families that have taken me in as a member of their families, and to everything I have here. Nine weeks. But in that time I have eight weeks of student teaching, moving/selling my belongings, defining my relationship with my ex, and solidifying to travel plans.

So much... So many... there is just so much going on right now. My head is spinning.

Oh and on a completly unrelated side note: One of the small sapphires fell of my watch!! Grr. That was a grad present from my Dad. It's so small I'll never find it. I don't know when or where I lost it. Grr.

At least I know, with everything going on, that I can handle anything that comes my way. And that everything I go through is for a purpose. I hope that the purpose of all this is to keep the ex on a good path and encourage him. And hopefully he will find his own way (without drugs) to a good life maybe even with God. I know it's asking a lot...