What Happened?

Today started out pretty good. The weather was gorgeous so we taught outside. It was been really nice. The kids were good too. It is so interesting to me how different two classes can be. I'm starting to learn names. But it is tough. 600 names. And most kids I only see once a week.

Then at lunch I put my left over chinese food in one microwave and my mini bag of popcorn in the other. When they were both finished I took them back to my office to eat. But when I opened my box with the chinese food in it all the Sesame Chicken was gone! All that was left was a bit of rice. I was so bummed! and totally irritated. and very hungry. I ate the bit of rice and the mini bag of popcorn and had to buy a snickers out of the lounge. I don't know who ate my chicken but I was bummed. You know when you are looking forward to something (for me it is always food) and you have your heart set on it and then it's not there! Grr. Usually this happens to me with cereal. I love cereal. I'll wake up in the morning and start craving cereal. Then when I go to get some, bam! no milk. Grr. So the chicken thing left me bummed and hungry.

But the rest of my day went really well. I'm starting to get the hang out working with the elementary kids. I get to be goofy with them and am getting more comfortable with that. It was fun. Tomorrow I don't have to teach, I have to go to an all day training. I really hope it doesn't last all day and I really hope it isn't mind numbing.

After school I mailed off some things for a catalog party a client is hosting. My goal is to put 100% of my profit into savings. For as much as I've been working, I haven't been saving anything. Nada! And it's very frustrating.

Then I babysat. We had fun. Some of the neighbor kids came over so that was cool.

I was on my way to the grocery store, because I have no food, but stopped at the plasma center first. It took forever to donate. There were a ton of people there. My draw went pretty fast once they found my vein.

Then I went and got some groceries. I have a serious food addiction. Luckily for me I am very cheap so I don't buy too much at the grocery store. But I love shopping for food.

Once I got home I crashed in front of the TV with my computer and tried to relax. But I got grumpy and wasn't able to relax for some reason. I am very tense right now as I'm laying in bed. I don't really know why. It is very annoying. It's like my body has already forgotten Mexico and the naps on the hammock.

This weekend is going to be super busy. Ready for this?

Friday - training 8-4pm, serious homework (if I don't do it by tomorrow I fail student teaching! Thank you, I'll accept my procrastinator of the year award now), XA 6-9pm.

Saturday - housekeeping 7-10am, demonstrating 10-2pm, babysitting 4-7:30pm, maybe something social in the evening. Or better yet I need to move everything out of my storage locker and into my garage.

Sunday - pick up Greg, church 10-noon, take Greg home, meet April at 3pm, try to relax or maybe go for a walk/run.

Hmmm... It actually isn't as busy as I thought it was.

This weekend is homecoming. Maybe it is the thought of all those people drinking, flirting, and having fun that is bumming me out. I tried to drink in Mexico but it didn't work. I had three beers and I started to get angry and depressed and all I could think about was how angry I was about the whole Erg situation. The same thing had happened a couple nights before when Sam and I went out with the Pima track kids. (by kids I mean fellow 20-somethings of course) Alcohol is a depressant and always has had that affect on me, but never to this extent. I think I'm just so on the boarder about it all right now that any amount of alcohol just sends me reeling into all the could-have-beens, what-was-he-thinkings, what-did-I-do-wrongs, and how-can-I-fix-its. It is a very bad place to be in. So while everyone (my whole school, including the two people I actually hang out with) is out at Tequilla Sunrise and tailgating, I'm going to be at home or working.

I'm just so angry. I've never been angry like this before. I've never had a reason to be. Noone has ever done to me what he did to me. And all this summer when I was "getting over it" I didn't even have the whole story. I only knew how he was acting and how it made me feel. Now I know why he was acting the way he was and it makes me so angry! And yet I can't stay away. I am angry with him and hurt by him but I don't even think he has a clue. I don't let him know. I don't want to make him feel guilty so he will use again. I want to encourage and support him even though he isn't my responsiblilty anymore. I'm so angry. I'm hurt. And I'm pissed that the next time I have a man in my life who accidentally falls asleep at a friends house I will immediatly think he is doing something else. He broke my trust. I trusted him. I trusted him with me. and he blew it. How can I trust anyone again? How can I trust myself to trust anyone. Erg! This whole thing has left me angry and jaded. Those are two words I never would have used to describe myself. But now, they seem to fit. It's a good thing I can throw on a smile whenever I need. It's a good thing I can pretend it's all ok. I need to figure out what to do with all of this. I really want a hug from my mom right now. I don't know why really. I just know it would feel good and I would feel safe.

I can't believe I trusted him. I was such a fool. Erg.