Why I'm OK.

I've been so much happier this week than I was last week. At church on Sunday a guy was baptized. He quoted Job 23:10. It is such a good verse! I was in the process of teaching Erg to read the bible when the guy said it. I had Erg look it up and we read it. Job 23:10 says, "But He knows the way I take; When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold." I explained it, and it just made me feel so much better about this past six months!

God knows everything I do. He knows my path: past, present, and future. And when I have been tried and tested I will be so much better for it. All this horrible stuff has happened, but it' ok God will make me gold! I will be better off.

I realize it is easier to say this than believe it but it has really helped me.

I truly believe that all the shtuff that happened last spring happened so that I would breakup and go to Seattle for the summer. There I would realize how much I missed having a relationship with God. Then when I got back to Flagstaff I could share that renewed faith with him and help him to come to God. We both went through so much so that God can make us better in the end. It makes it hurt less. It makes it worth it.

Today Was a Good Day

Despite my most recent blog, I am doing ok. And today was a good day.

I went to dinner last night with him. We talked and laughed like always. I told him how I felt and it felt so good. We have always been able to communicate very well. With the exception of one (not so) minor thing that happened last spring. So I was not worried at all last night when I told him that I had not forgiven him for what he had done or that I was still angry. I let him know that I still want to be his friend because I think he needs a friend regardless of how I currently feel. It was a good night.

Today I went to church. It was a good service as always. If you ever want to read a good passage I suggest Job 23:10. It gives me so much hope for the future. There is "gold" in my future because I am facing "trials."

After church I went to my storage unit and cleared it out. I don't have nearly as much stuff as I thought I did. I really don't have much to sell now, which is great!

Spain may not happen. And surprisingly I'm ok with it. If it happens, cool. If not, it's ok. I'm currently working on a "plan B." The family I've been talking with in Spain just doesn't keep in touch enough for me to feel comfortable about the whole situation. Plus I've been praying a lot that God tell me where he needs me. Perhaps it's not in Spain. I'll keep you posted.

I gotta run to bed, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing ok.

What Happened?

Today started out pretty good. The weather was gorgeous so we taught outside. It was been really nice. The kids were good too. It is so interesting to me how different two classes can be. I'm starting to learn names. But it is tough. 600 names. And most kids I only see once a week.

Then at lunch I put my left over chinese food in one microwave and my mini bag of popcorn in the other. When they were both finished I took them back to my office to eat. But when I opened my box with the chinese food in it all the Sesame Chicken was gone! All that was left was a bit of rice. I was so bummed! and totally irritated. and very hungry. I ate the bit of rice and the mini bag of popcorn and had to buy a snickers out of the lounge. I don't know who ate my chicken but I was bummed. You know when you are looking forward to something (for me it is always food) and you have your heart set on it and then it's not there! Grr. Usually this happens to me with cereal. I love cereal. I'll wake up in the morning and start craving cereal. Then when I go to get some, bam! no milk. Grr. So the chicken thing left me bummed and hungry.

But the rest of my day went really well. I'm starting to get the hang out working with the elementary kids. I get to be goofy with them and am getting more comfortable with that. It was fun. Tomorrow I don't have to teach, I have to go to an all day training. I really hope it doesn't last all day and I really hope it isn't mind numbing.

After school I mailed off some things for a catalog party a client is hosting. My goal is to put 100% of my profit into savings. For as much as I've been working, I haven't been saving anything. Nada! And it's very frustrating.

Then I babysat. We had fun. Some of the neighbor kids came over so that was cool.

I was on my way to the grocery store, because I have no food, but stopped at the plasma center first. It took forever to donate. There were a ton of people there. My draw went pretty fast once they found my vein.

Then I went and got some groceries. I have a serious food addiction. Luckily for me I am very cheap so I don't buy too much at the grocery store. But I love shopping for food.

Once I got home I crashed in front of the TV with my computer and tried to relax. But I got grumpy and wasn't able to relax for some reason. I am very tense right now as I'm laying in bed. I don't really know why. It is very annoying. It's like my body has already forgotten Mexico and the naps on the hammock.

This weekend is going to be super busy. Ready for this?

Friday - training 8-4pm, serious homework (if I don't do it by tomorrow I fail student teaching! Thank you, I'll accept my procrastinator of the year award now), XA 6-9pm.

Saturday - housekeeping 7-10am, demonstrating 10-2pm, babysitting 4-7:30pm, maybe something social in the evening. Or better yet I need to move everything out of my storage locker and into my garage.

Sunday - pick up Greg, church 10-noon, take Greg home, meet April at 3pm, try to relax or maybe go for a walk/run.

Hmmm... It actually isn't as busy as I thought it was.

This weekend is homecoming. Maybe it is the thought of all those people drinking, flirting, and having fun that is bumming me out. I tried to drink in Mexico but it didn't work. I had three beers and I started to get angry and depressed and all I could think about was how angry I was about the whole Erg situation. The same thing had happened a couple nights before when Sam and I went out with the Pima track kids. (by kids I mean fellow 20-somethings of course) Alcohol is a depressant and always has had that affect on me, but never to this extent. I think I'm just so on the boarder about it all right now that any amount of alcohol just sends me reeling into all the could-have-beens, what-was-he-thinkings, what-did-I-do-wrongs, and how-can-I-fix-its. It is a very bad place to be in. So while everyone (my whole school, including the two people I actually hang out with) is out at Tequilla Sunrise and tailgating, I'm going to be at home or working.

I'm just so angry. I've never been angry like this before. I've never had a reason to be. Noone has ever done to me what he did to me. And all this summer when I was "getting over it" I didn't even have the whole story. I only knew how he was acting and how it made me feel. Now I know why he was acting the way he was and it makes me so angry! And yet I can't stay away. I am angry with him and hurt by him but I don't even think he has a clue. I don't let him know. I don't want to make him feel guilty so he will use again. I want to encourage and support him even though he isn't my responsiblilty anymore. I'm so angry. I'm hurt. And I'm pissed that the next time I have a man in my life who accidentally falls asleep at a friends house I will immediatly think he is doing something else. He broke my trust. I trusted him. I trusted him with me. and he blew it. How can I trust anyone again? How can I trust myself to trust anyone. Erg! This whole thing has left me angry and jaded. Those are two words I never would have used to describe myself. But now, they seem to fit. It's a good thing I can throw on a smile whenever I need. It's a good thing I can pretend it's all ok. I need to figure out what to do with all of this. I really want a hug from my mom right now. I don't know why really. I just know it would feel good and I would feel safe.

I can't believe I trusted him. I was such a fool. Erg.

Feelings

I have a lot of feelings right now. I feel anger, hurt, sad, frustrated, worried, nervous, excited, and relieved. I usually say that I eat my feelings. I eat whenever I am stressed or happy or nervous... I eat. I am really fighting the urges to eat these days. I feel like I have so much going on that I have to figure out a better way to handle it then eating. I really need to go to bed right now, but I want to do a super quick run through of my feelings and hopefully I can address them in a later post.
-Anger and hurt. I am not ok with what happened to me last spring. I said I was, I thought I was, but I was wrong. I have never had anyone so blatently betray my trust and faith in people as I experienced last spring. I will have to think long and hard before I get involved with anyone anytime soon. Addiction is a horrible horrible hurtful thing. And now I know this. I am currently working on forgiving. I am also working out what to do with our relationship (friendship only mind you!) now. We shall see.
- Sad. I am sad because I just found out that the company that I sky dived with over the summer, suffered a terrible tragedy recently. 10 jumpers were killed in a plane wreck. If you know my myspace you can see my pictures of my sky diving adventure. My jumping buddy, Kelly, is thankfully ok. But his brother was killed along with many others. I can't imagine going through something like that.
-Frustrated. I am mostly frustrated with my family in Spain. I am supposed to be moving to live with them in less then three months. However, my plans aren't solid and I'm not communicating with them as often or as well as I want.
-Worried. I am worried about moving to Spain.
-Nervous. I am nervous about moving to Spain. Obviously, I have a lot of feelings about Spain right now.
-Excited. I am excited for the things I have planned in my life. Spain, JVC, teaching... all are going to be awesome!
-Relieved. I am not going to Tucson this weekend. And as much as I am bummed I am not going to be hanging out with my Tucson friends (or going to their halloween parties) I am relieved I get to stay home. I can go to church, go for a run (which I havent done in months!), work, and do nothing. Plus I can save the $80 I would have spent on gas. Sweet!

So in conclusion, I have a lot of feelings right now. I am working through the tough ones and savoring the good ones. Now I must sleep.

What Am I Thinking?!

I'm not sure what I am doing or if I should be doing it. I've been hanging out with the ex. I love hanging out with him. Even with all that has happened over the past six months, I still have fun when I'm with him.

I am comfortable with him. He makes me laugh. I know what makes him laugh. I know him. And he knows me so well. I miss being with someone who knows me. My friends at XA don't know me. They are trying to get to know me, and they are very nice, but they don't know me. He knows me.

But what am I thinking?! He hurt me so bad. But I don't hate him. I can't... I told him last night that we couldn't be together again. He says he understands and wants me to go off to Spain and live my plans and adventures. I am just worried that I will end up hurting him when I go and I will hurt to go. Would it be easier to stay friends without getting too close?

Relationships are tricky things. I have so many feelings, thoughts, wishes, desires, memories, and ideas swimming through my head right now. This is going to be an interesting 9 weeks.

9 weeks! I only have nine weeks before I leave Flagstaff, possibly forever. Nine weeks. Nine very short weeks. Then I have to say goodbye to the ex, to the friends I've made, to XA, to the families that have taken me in as a member of their families, and to everything I have here. Nine weeks. But in that time I have eight weeks of student teaching, moving/selling my belongings, defining my relationship with my ex, and solidifying to travel plans.

So much... So many... there is just so much going on right now. My head is spinning.

Oh and on a completly unrelated side note: One of the small sapphires fell of my watch!! Grr. That was a grad present from my Dad. It's so small I'll never find it. I don't know when or where I lost it. Grr.

At least I know, with everything going on, that I can handle anything that comes my way. And that everything I go through is for a purpose. I hope that the purpose of all this is to keep the ex on a good path and encourage him. And hopefully he will find his own way (without drugs) to a good life maybe even with God. I know it's asking a lot...

Ready to Spill

I don't know why, but I just feel like crying today. Not in a bad way, per say, but I still feel crying. Like right now, I'm watching the last scene of Forrest Gump. I almost lost it. I don't feel like sobbing, just crying a bit. Earlier today at XA I almost cried a bit too because I was trying to write my "student perspective" piece. Lately I have just felt so overwhelmed. Student teaching is so much work! erg. I feel like it sucks all my energy and brain power and by the time I get to work or homework or XA I have nothing left to give. It is making everything else I do so much more difficult. I am getting frustrated with myself so much easier then I used to.

I haven't had a good cry in a while... but I feel it coming.

I'm just doing way too much right now. I know I have said this all before, but it is my everyday. Everyday I stop and say, "Wow. I am trying to do way way too much today." I am over booking myself. I have not given myself any time to work out in two months! AAHH!! I am so frustrated and gross feeling that it is bringing me down. I have to make a change. I have got to. I need to start telling people no. No, I can't babysit for you until midnight on a Thursday night. I have to get up at 5:45a. I need to sleep. No, I can't drive to Sedona I need some time to sit and think. No. Leanna said I can't help everyone. Well why not?! Who am I to say who does and doesn't deserve my help?!

But it's like I tell the mothers that I babysit for. They need to take care of themselves. They need to make time for their friendships and to pamper themselves. If they don't they will melt down and won't be as effective for there families. I feel like I am getting to that point. I am neglecting myself and if I keep it up much longer, I won't be of any help to anyone!

I need to figure out a new schedule for myself. I need include several things in the schedule...
-Time for God (reading the Word, biblestudy, prayer, XA, and NCA)
-Time to work out... even 30min each day would be awesome an hour would be perfect
-Time to work. I like working I can't just stop.
-Time for reading.
-Time to do absolutely nothing. I never do nothing. I need to do more nothing. I think it would be good for me.

!!$$!!

I just found a flight from LA to Madrid for $524! Cheap flights do exist! And even though I am not ready to buy my ticket yet, just knowing that I don't have to spend a grand on my ticket is great!

I have been praying that if I am really supposed to go on this trip, that I wanted God to let me know and provide a path. Well it looks like he has. $524 is easily $250 less then the cheapest ticket I had found before. SWEET!

Nothing Exciting...

Nothing exciting is going on right now. This is my last week teaching at the middle school so this is a light teaching week for me. I only have to teach two periods a day, rather than five because I am being "fased out." So my work load is low and I am pretty confidant that I will be able to get my whole portfolio good to go for Friday's student teachers meeting.

Let's see... what do I have going on this week...
Wednesday- teaching, then babysitting from 4p-9p.
Thurdsay- teaching, meetin with Leanna at 3:30p, babysitting from 4:30p-7pm, and more babysitting from 8pm-midnight. This is going to be a really long day. I am hoping to sleep at a friends house so I don't have to drive all the way home at midnight, but we will see.
Friday- teaching, student teacher meeting from 3p-5p, XA from 6pm-8pm. I have to give a quick "Student Perspective" talk at XA. I'm super nervous. Usually people talk about something that God has spoken to them over the past week. Unfortunantly, I don't think I'm very good at listening ot God yet, so I have no idea what I will talk about. I know I will come up with something, I'm just nervous. I really want my message to mean something to someone there! We'll see.
Saturday- I have a lot planned but in no particular order: babysitting, donating plasma, driving to Sedona to sell a bookcase, and meeting with my new co-op from the elementary school.

Oh and I need to keep working on my Spain things. I have printed the Visa requirements, but I am not sure if they apply to me. So I need to contact the Spanish consulate and see what's up. I also need to keep watching plane ticket prices. The more I think about my adventure the more I worry about the cost. I know I have enough money to get there and back. I'm just worried I won't have enough money to travel while I'm there or do all the things I want. I am fine traveling on a budget and I don't plan on staying at the Ritz, but I'm worried about money anyway. I'm still waiting for that random great uncle's cousin's nephew's brother twice removed to leave me a load of cash in his will. =)

Well it is past my bedtime and I need to go try to listen to God. Maybe he is trying to tell me what my message should be on Friday right now, but I'm not listening! Quick, sshhhh!

Some Pictures...

This is a picture of my room from the door. I love my room. I love my bed, it's big! I love the beaded curtain on the wall. I also love that the wall matches my furniture.

This is a picture book stand. My book collection may be small, but I love them. The frame has a picture of me when I graduated from high school and my mom when she graduated from college. The other picture is my dad's senior picture. It is the only time I have ever seen him without a beard. He looks pretty sharp if you ask me.

This is my pretty sister and I. We are at a family reunion in Tucson. My mom took this picture last May.

JP and I went to Applebees with my friends in Tucson a few weeks ago. He is my big little brother.

The Illustionist

I just finished watching The Illusionist. It's pretty good! I haven't watched such a captivating movie in a very long time. I highly recommend you check it out. I use tv-link.co.uk to watch movies and TV shows. Just a friendly suggestion.

My List

I made this list back in April. I started thinking about im upcoming graduation and was feeling directionless. So I made a list of things I wanted to help me get focused... It has been about five months, but I have already made some big changes/plans for my life.

I want to...

move back to Seattle... I would still love to live in Seattle, but I don't have the burning desire to get back anymore. Also, I wouldn't mind living in some place other than Seattle, like Portland, as long as I'm near the northwest.

have a place of my own... I would still love to have a place of my own. But my current living situation is pretty great. My roommates are clean and responsible and super considerate. My room is all mine, so it will do for now.

have a supportive network... I for sure have support in Seattle and Tucson. Sometimes I wish I had more support here in Flagstaff. I have people here I know care about me, but are often busy. I've been working on reaching out to a few people here, particular from my church group for support. So far so good.

work at jobs I love... I do love my jobs. I pretty much only babysit anymore and the families I sit for, I love. I'm supposed to start demonstrating pet food again, even though I hate it. The money is good though and the time commitment is very small. So it will be ok.

volunteer... I've done a little volunteering through XA. We went to a Soup Kitchen sort of deal. I'm really excited about JVC though. That will be a whole year of volunteer teaching. I can't wait.

work out regularly... Don't remind me. I haven't had the time or motivation since I started student teaching. It is starting to get to me too. I don't feel very good about myself these days, but who wants to wake up at 4am to work out?! I already wake up at 5:45am. And who wants to work out at 7:30pm after teaching and working all day? I need to find the time... but it may just have to wait till after student teaching.

travel... Maybe I will go to Rocky Point (Mexico) in a few weeks, but I have bigger and better things planned... Spain. Spain, Portugal, France, Germany, Ireland, England, Belgium, Switzerland, Italy... the list goes on. 2008 should be a big travel year for me. If I could only get my family in Spain to respond to my emails and give me details!

have a routine... I love routine. I have a pretty good one now. Things get changed up here and there but for the most part I student teach from 7a-3p everyday then work after. As long as I can keep having a routine, I'll be happy.

cook at home... When I wrote these my living situation was very different than it is now. Now I can cook at home whenever I like. My roommates have great pots, pans, knives, and gadgets too which makes cooking more fun.

learn new things like French, dance, crew... I haven't learned much more French then when I made this list but I have been working on learning more Spanish. And since I have been teaching dance (folk and line) I have picked up a few things. I would love to take a class sometime but we will have to wait and see on that one.

coach... I haven't been doing any coaching but maybe in Spain or when I'm doing JVC I can find a team that needs some help.

go for walks in my neighborhood... This is very similar to the not working out thing. Plus it is getting super cold already. Brrrr.

read, real books, often... I'm doing this one. I read several books over the summer and am working on a couple right now. I missed reading and I'm glad I'm doing it again.

read the newspaper... I don't read the newspaper yet, well not really. On Monday's when I'm babysitting I read the Dear Abby section and the funnies. But that doesn't count as reading the paper.

spend time with my family... I do this when I can. But since I'm solo in Flag it isn't as often as I'ld like. I do talk to them all (immediate family that is) often on the phone though.

get pets, other then just fish... One of my roommates has to Boxers. But I don't have any pets. Since I have my Spain and JVC plans it wouldn't be responsible to get any pets for a few years, and I'm ok with that for now.

have furniture I like, that works together... The only furniture I have is for my bedroom and it all looks great together if I do say so myself (and I do). I love my bedroom. Everything else I'm selling, but my bedroom stuff I'm going to store for the next couple years.

take vacations... I'm hoping to get to Rocky Point in two weeks. Then Tucson for thanksgiving, Seattle for Christmas... I think I've got vacations covered for a while.

have adventures... This summer I went sky diving with friends, seakayaking with my mom, and rafting with my dad. Spain will be my next big adventure and I can't wait.

have a wardrobe I actually like... I do have clothes that I like, so that is good. I used to hate my clothes, but now they work. I am not spending any money on clothes either. I have what I need for now, my money can be spent on better things like backpacks, plane tickets...

have projects to work on like scrapbooks, home stuff... Most of the projects I have been working on have involved student teaching. I have also taken on selling all my things on Craigslist. I have some scrapbooking I want to get done, but I haven't pulled it out yet. But now that I remember... maybe I'll do that.

be respected and treated that way... For the most part this is true. Other than the occasional student, I can't think of a time I have been disrespected lately. Good.

be appreciated... When I wrote this list my relationship with my then boyfriend wasn't going so great. So the one about respect and appreciation really speak to that. I feel appreciated generally... but then again I don't have a boyfriend to worry about.

have intellectual conversations and have the occasional debate... I still don't get this one as often as I would like. But who has the time? This one will come eventually.

entertain at my home by having dinner party, game nights... I'm hosting a BBQ here this afternoon. So I can check this one off my list. If it goes well I'll have a game day in a month or so. We shall see.

Things are going very well and I am happy. I think about myself five months ago and I was very different. I'm happy now. And I'm going to be late for church if I don't hurry to get ready!

TGIF

Remember TGIF? The shows that used to air at prime time every Friday night. I used to love Fridays for that reason. I never understood the big appeal of weekends. I always work so much that the weekends never seem that special, just more work! But now I LONG for the weekends!

I love teaching, don't get me wrong, but it is so much work! By the time Friday gets here I am exhausted. And even though I am still working on the weekends, the days are very different.

So here's to the weekend!

What a Week

Yesterday was miserable. That is the best way I can describe it. Things started off well enough... I woke up early (5:30a) and got to school at 7a. My co-op had an inservice so I had a substitute helping me out all day. Things were going well until 2nd period. That's when my supervisor showed up. Usually it isn't so bad. I've always liked and respected her. She is a good teacher. But last week she came in and found out that I had not written my unit plan yet.

A unit plan is supposed to be done before you start teaching a unit. It is a way of deciding all the objectives you want to teach to and the tasks you want to use to achieve those tasks. I never did mine. I skipped that step and went straight to the lesson plans. Well when my supervisor found out, she was not happy. She told me to catch up last weekend.

Needless to say, when she came in yesterday I still hadn't done it. Perhaps my priorities were out of whack, but I had other stuff to do. I still had to do my daily lesson plans after all. She told me to meet her at her office after school to discuss the situation.

That put a total funk on my whole day! All I could do all day was think about that meeting. What was she going to say? Was she going to hold me back an extra week so I could fulfill my requirements? If I had to stay back an extra week it could screw up all my plans. If I really had to spend more time teaching, I would have to postpone Spain!

School finally ended (it was a long, busy day) and I went to NAU to meet with my supervisor. It was a semi-pointless meeting. She didn't tell me what I needed to do to fix the problem or get caught up. She basically just told me she was frustrated with and confused about the whole situation. I don't know what she wanted me to do about it. If she isn't going to tell me how to fix it what's the point in meeting. We ended the meeting by saying she would be in touch with my co-op and see what to do from there.

After that stupid meeting, I went to donate plasma. But they said I couldn't because I had to wait one more day. I know it seems like a small thing, but when you are already pissed, grumpy, and feeling sick any little thing can just make you melt down. Luckily, Allison called me right then and she let me vent so I wouldn't have a total pitty party sob fest. So that was good.

Then I went to babysit my little friends. They are so cute. They are having a super hero birthday party. Can you picture 30 kids between the ages of 2 and 8 playing at a park dressed like super heros?! I think it is going to be hilarious. So babysitting cheered me up. We made cupcakes.

After finishing up with the kiddos I went to my bible study. It was my day to bring snacks (hence the cupcakes). The study went well. Trust is a tricky thing, but I think I'll have to chat more about that later.

When I got home from the bible study at 8:30p I started writing my lesson plans. I got four done and sent them to my supervisor. I also got an email that said I have until Friday morning to get my unit plan to my co-op. I have a ton to do, but at least I am feeling less overwhelmed. Now that I have a target I know I can handle it. My lesson plans are all but done and my unit plan is started. The unit plan will end up being about 16 pages long, but I can get it done. I have to or I can wave good bye to Spain... or at least post pone it.

That is not an option!

My roommates just surprised me with strawberry shortcake, flowers, and a gift card. It is very sweet. It is rare that the three of us are all around at the same time. I'm glad my birthday can bring us together.

Overly sentimental I know. But hey, I'm tired (I need to catch up on sleep!), sick (this cold thing has got to go!), and feeling old (just think... in one short year I can have my quarter life crisis!).

Tithing.

tithe /taɪð/ verb, tithed, tith·ing.
–noun
1. Sometimes, tithes. the tenth part of agricultural produce or personal income set apart as an offering to God or for works of mercy, or the same amount regarded as an obligation or tax for the support of the church, priesthood, or the like.

I have been thinking about giving tithes lately. It has been mentioned a couple differant time in differant unrelated place over the last month or so. Tithing is giving an offering of about 10% of everything you make. That is a pretty substantial offering. Especially since when I was young it was customary to give $1 a week. Now I am talking about giving... well a lot more.

My apprehension has to do with the faith required to give so much. Everyone says that God will provide and has never made them miss a bill since they have been tithing. Well that may be true, but I am used to relying on myself! If I tithe I will have to rely on God. But then... isn't that the point.

Last night I sent my mother an email to get her opinion on the issue. As far as I know she doesn't tithe. Everyone who has talked about it or that has told me that God provides for them does tithe. Anyway I sent her this email. Then I woke up this morning feeling very groggy. I decided instead of getting ready for the day that I would read today's Bible passage. I'm still in Genesis and am reading about Abraham and Sarah. The passage is talking about God's timeless promise to Abraham, that he would have as many decendants as there are stars. Then my Bible suggests I read Phlippians 4:19 as another example of a timeless promise from God. So I go and it says, "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

Holy Moly! That says exactly what I needed to hear. God will take care of me, always. I just need to trust him enough to let him work in me.

Tithes. It's time to start giving and know that God will provide for me. I just hope he provides enough for Spain too.